Month: September 2013

Numb

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Right now

Emotionless….Numb…..I can see the tears falling from my face and landing so softly on the ground.I just can’t understand what is happening. My mind stopped thinking.My heart stop beating. Yet the tears kept falling.What was happening. My body got tired. Tired of feeling… Hurting…Weeping…Worrying… My body was crying out for me emotionally. I have lost sight of myself. I no longer understood. I didn’t care if my brain didn’t want to playback the unwanted memories.I didn’t mind that my body shut down cause it was tired of being abused. Crazy thing is I was the abuser. I lost sight. I had no more explanations for myself. My body was crying out for me. The only thing is I had given so much of me away, I had nothing left for myself.

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I….WALKED AWAY

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15 months ago, I walked away from a toxic, draining, exhausting relationship. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 8 yrs together, 5 under the same roof, 2 engaged, and plenty time in between planning our future. But like many relationships, things took a turn. And it continued to turn to turn and turn. 2 yrs prior to leaving, we became “roommates.” Not by my choice, but his. Yet, I stuck around. I waited for him to change, maybe if I just didn’t cry or wine so much, he’d love me more, so I thought. 2 yrs, 24 months, my self-esteem deteriorated slowly. I became depressed. I began to ask him for affection. What woman walks to a man and asks him “can I have a kiss” or “can I have a hug.” My soul, my heart, my love, my knowingly worth, shattered. Yet, I still hung on a little longer. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we hang into these toxic relationships, all the while knowing that they’re completely unhealthy for us? He showed plenty signs, I ignored them, I made up excuses. “Girl, why are you guys ROOMMATES?” “Well, he just needs time.” Man! Looking back, I was really a fool, but I was so IN that I didn’t see myself with anyone else. I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of the unknown.

He didn’t want the relationship anymore and as time dragged along, neither did I. But, neither of us made the effort to move. We fought, we fought, yes we fought. I would scream at him if he wasn’t happy, why wouldn’t he leave, all the time feeling exactly the same inside. It took 2 yrs of such a detrimental relationship for me to get the courage to leave. Honestly, I’m not sure how I did it, because all the time, through that process I was afraid. And prior to moving I cried for months straight, after I left I cried plenty more. He didn’t come after me. He didn’t cry for me to come back, what did that mean? Why do we hang onto something that’s just no longer meant for us to be there? I walked away, trust me, it wasn’t easy, but I walked away. Today, 15 months later, I’m happier than I was 8 yrs ago. I can’t believe it, words cannot describe it. But I had to walk away from the toxic relationship. I had to find the strength to love me more.

Making That Walk

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WALKING AWAY IS DEFINITELY EASIER SAID THAN DONE. AS MUCH AS WE KNOW THAT THE SITUATION WE ARE IN IS UNHEALTHY AND TOXIC.WHY DO WE GET THE FEELING AS IF WE MADE THE WRONG DECISION WHEN WE DECIDE TO WALK AWAY. WE SECOND GUESS WHAT WE KNOW IS RIGHT. WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE RIGHT CHOICES. WHY DON’T WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE UNHEALTHY CHOICES. WE DIVE HEART FIRST & THINK ABOUT IT AFTER THE FACT. EVERYTHING BAD MAKES US FEEL SO GOOD. SHIT, WELL AT LEAST IT DOES TO ME. AS MUCH AS I KNOW SOMEONE IS NO GOOD FOR ME, IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAY EVEN MORE.BUT WE NEED TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY.

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.THEY COME BACK STRONG.OF COURSE WE GET WEAK. THEN IT FEELS GOOD FOR AWHILE. YOU START SEEING ALL THE REASONS WHY YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM. THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT IS BACK TO THE SAME OLD THING.THEN YOUR ASKING YOURSELF WHY? WHAT HAPPENED.

THEN YOU HAVE THE TIMES WHERE YOU WALK AWAY.BUT WHEN THEY COMEBACK, YOU TURN AWAY.YOU FIND THAT STRENGTH. SOMETIMES IT HURTS,HELL MOST TIMES IT DOES HURT.BUT THERE’S NO WAY IT WILL WORK. AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THEM YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO LETS GO AND LETS GO FOR GOOD. THAT MEANS SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. SWOLLEN EYES FROM CRYING OVER THE SIMPLEST THINGS. THINGS THAT DON’T EVEN RELATES TO THEM. YOU START TO SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING YOU DID DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER.

WHAT YOU COULD OF DONE BETTER.HOW COULD YOU HAVE CHANGED SO THE RELATIONSHIP COULD OF WORKED.IN REALITY YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDED TO CHANGE.YOU MAY NOT HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT.BUT YOU DIDNT DO EVERYTHING WRONG.SHIT IT IS NOT ALWAYS ALL YOUR FAULT.WE USUALLY PUT ALL THE BLAME ON OURSELVES.

ONLY BECAUSE WE DON’T EVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.WE MAY NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.

WHAT BROUGHT THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN. IT WAS NOT ONLY YOU.WE SURELY FEEL LIKE WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE SUFFERING. IN REALITY SOMETIMES THEY JUST DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. CAUSE IN THEIR HEADS ITS BEEN OVER, AND IT WAS A RELIEF FOR THEM WHEN YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE.

ON THE OTHER HAND YOU DO HAVE THOSE WHO ACTUALLY CARE AND IS HURTING AS WELL.BUT OF COURSE THEIR PRIDE WONT LET THEM SHOW IT. THEY GO ON WITH LIFE BURNING ON THE INSIDE, AND ON THE OUTSIDE THEY ARE ABLE TO LIVE LIKE AS IF NOTHING IS EVEN WRONG……