Month: October 2013
Sorry, I’ve been away for some time. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had any time to tend to the blog. Well, last night I was watching plenty specials on the year Anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. Can you believe it’s been a year? Wow.
Often times my mind drifts to where I was in my life a year or years ago. Taking this moment to reflect really helps me to see how much of a strong woman I am and truly how far I’ve come. I’d like to share my reflection moment with you, where I was two years ago during Hurricane Irene. She hit my area the night of Sunday, August 28, 2011. That calm Sunday morning Mr. Ex decided to go to work and be back early enough before Irene was due to visit. Looking back, was he really at work? Who knows, but I can remember he made it a big deal to go, when I didn’t understand. Well anyways, with Mr. Ex being at “work”, I decided to prepare for Ms. Irene’s arrival. Top on my list, candles and batteries. Of course we were bound to lose power, if someone sneezed hard enough in the neighborhood, lights out! So I made sure to stack up. After that, I went to the grocery store picked up some items (the usual water and dry snacks) and made sure my car had a full tank of gas. I made sure we were ready!
That afternoon, Mr. Ex arrived home. He noted how the bridges were closing soon and planned to go to his friend’s place in another borough. He looked at me with a straight face and said “what are you going to do”? HUH?!? My heart dropped, I struggled to swallow the lump of disappointment in my throat. My eyes darted from the candles, the flashlights, the batteries, the water, the groceries then back to him. Shocked, I stuttered “what do you mean? I’m staying here.” Now people, I’ve had some “feeling alone” moments within my relationship, but I’d say this moment is definitely within my top 3 (side mental note: maybe I should do a blog entry on my top 3).
Mr. Ex made plans for himself without including me. This sparked a HUGE argument. I was hurt. Then to throw salt in my face, he implied I could come with him. Pause, take a moment, and be in my shoes please. His friends did NOT like me. Yea, they could be cordial, but they did NOT like me. Why would I sleep at someone’s house where I was not initially thought of in the 1st place and of course do not forget did NOT like me. They thought I was this horrible crazy woman, without knowing the history that it was their “innocent” friend making me crazy. He had friends and I had lost mines at his will, how ironic is that? Anyways, back to the scene.
His independent decision, caused a major fight. Looking back, honestly I think this is what he wanted. He wanted to fight, because you know what he did? I’d let you take a moment and guess what he did…..yes, take another moment. He left! He walked out! He packed his overnight bag and walked OUT! As I’m typing this I’m trying to fight the tears coming to my eyes. This is a horrible memory. I sat on the couch counting the seconds he’d come back through that door. But, he didn’t. Instead he continued to drive, and please note the drive was 45 minutes away. He had to stop and get gas, he had to cross the bridge, he had to pay a toll. None of those moments did he bother to call me. Nor did this man even bother to turn around. He was angry (that’s what he said), but no anger in the world would make me leave someone I love alone prior to a Hurricane.
I was terrified. I sat on the couch alone and trembled. No one to hold me, no one to wipe my tears, I was alone. Hours later Irene hit, I lay in that bed crying but fighting to be strong. I broke down like a baby when the lights began to flicker, I was terrified. He left me there, a man so heartless and cold. I look back on that night and say wow, I was a strong woman. But, honestly that night I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel loved. I felt alone. Alone, just me, myself and Irene.
Exhausted, deprived, sucked dry
I’ve lived, I’m living
Yet I’m not alive
You next to me, I’m suffocated
Unable to breath, unable to think
Unable to smile, unable to laugh
Existing, merely existing
Within a relationship
Within a marriage
Without the merry
Within a house
Without a home…..
I am alone
Yes, I am alone
I am alone when you are beside me
I am alone
when you are
Motionless making without the love
Legs only opened for the sake
Unable to enjoy you
I am dry
Tears streaming, I close my eyes
Again, I am existing
Within an empty room
Body flipped, twisted within positions
I cannot suppress this
I cannot support this
Sanctioning the little air you’ve given me
My inner voice grasps
I cannot do this
stripped of its shine
I open my eyes
I’ve opened my eyes
I am more than this
Who wants to just exist?
I am more than this
Giving you what you need
I lose more of me
Fraction of a fraction of a fraction
I become less of me
I AM MORE THAN THIS
I’d like to call him Mr. Filler. I don’t know what else to name him, but the thought of him fulfilling my “needs” brought on the name Mr. Filler.
After gaining the strength of saving my money, finding a new place, packing up my things and actually keeping my word of moving…I was still sexually weak for my ex. It wasn’t an easy process. Someone who knew every inch of my body, I couldn’t help but find myself back in our his bed. He loved it, he loved having that control over me. He’d seduce me, and I’d forget all the crap and pain he put me through. A temporary fix. Each orgasm resulted in an emotional setback of at least 3 months for me. It was a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle only we can end for ourselves. Until then, keep repeating.
After a short period of happy releases to crazy emotional rages of “why am I so confused?!” I took some sexual time off. It was hard. Trust me, I gained enough points off my credit card from all the battery purchases. I needed a Filler. I needed someone to fulfill only one role. But, I was not ready to meet anyone new, invest the time and effort into getting to know them. That’s a waste and definitely not fair to the other person especially if they’re in the “I’m looking for a future” phase and you’re not. This is how a lot of relationships become complicated, lack of intentions initially expressed by both partners.
Mr. Filler was a good friend of mines. Actually, I’d known him longer than Mr. Ex. We never slept together, never even entertained the idea, prior to, we were just that, friends.
Mr. Filler was great. He was spontaneous, exciting, invigorating. I LOVED our sexual escapades. His touches, his kisses, the positions he twisted me in, had me wanting more. I was addicted. He was addicted. We were on fire. Mentally, I gained so much confidence from it. I only knew how to please my ex, so honestly I was VERY nervous. But when Mr. Filler climaxed and curled up like a baby, I mentally walked in front of the mirror and shouted “FUCK YEA!” Those moments made me stronger. Those moments made me value me a little bit more.
Mr. Filler not only released my sexual tension but he also released one of my greatest fears. We all have this “fear” and often times it prevents us from moving onto something new. The “we’ve been together for [insert] years, how could I find anyone to know me, want me, love me like my ex” fear. I’m happy I got over it. Mr. Filler was just a stop along the journey for me, nothing more, nothing less. For that moment, those batteries sat in the drawer, there were no weekend Dollar Tree visits.
One of our biggest mistakes once a relationship ends is not taking the time out for ourselves before we jump into another commitment. Often times the thought of being alone is frightening. We don’t take that moment to get to know ourselves, to date ourselves, to just find out what we like and don’t like.
Have you felt that the last few relationships have consisted of the same “drama”? The same heartaches? The same tears? Well, ask yourself have you even taken the time to destroy your own baggage? The baggage you’ve carried from one relationship to the next. This so-called baggage, consistently becoming heavier and heavier as you move from one lover to another. What are you carrying with you and why? If you have old issues (not new issues), you have to face those before willing to commit with someone else. Is it fair to ask them to not only love you but love your baggage too? Yes, love your baggage too!! If you’re carrying all this behind you, you’re basically standing at someone’s door saying “love me as I am, accept these bags, and me”. Honey, that’s not fair. That’s not fair to your future lover nor is it to you. Why not take time out for yourself? Why haven’t you taken the time to just love you? People, we must love to learn ourselves first before we can fully have someone love us. The fear of being alone is so heavy nowadays. Being alone is a beautiful thing, trust me. It makes you more beautiful, stronger and easier for the perfect person to love you completely.
After a breakup, everyone has their advice on how long you should be single. How long before the divorce is over should you, remarry. Ask your friends, ask your relatives, pretty much everyone’s answer would be different. After my 8 year relationship ended it took me 6 months to fully be happy with me. Every weekend I did something for me, reading, shopping, my hair, nails, movies, etc. Maybe it’d be sooner for you, or longer, that’s just the time I needed for me. It’s now been over a year of living by myself and I’m still noticing things about me. I realized I lost myself so much in my relationship, I didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know what shows I liked (how sad is that)? Once I moved out, a few bags were left at his front door. I no longer carried the stress and worries of his happiness. I was so set on making sure he was happy, I completely lost myself. I lost my friends (he didn’t approve of them, so I cast them aside). How could such a strong woman become so weak for a man who a few years within the relationship showed he no longer cared, but she stuck around? Yes, that was me. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make him HAPPY. But, what about ME?!?
If you’ve recently experience a breakup, maybe you’re separated. Take this time to find your strength. Go back to doing what you loved that has been in the closet collecting dust. Maybe you’re a poet? Go to a poetry reading. Maybe you’re a painter? Paint something, I’d love to see. Whatever it is, do it for you. And, it’s ok to go out alone. Dress up, take yourself to the movies, it’s ok. We don’t need that other person to make us happy; we have to find our happiness within first.
Have a wonderful week!