So, I’m working on this whole loving me process this year. After moving out from Mr. Ex, I slept around (mmm I miss Mr. Filler), dated here and there (you have yet to meet Mr. Unavailable) and worked two crazy full time jobs. I did pretty much anything to get the thought of Mr. Ex out of my head; this includes plenty high, drunken nights. I had my year of fun, but now I feel as if I should just focus on me more. Get to know myself better, find my true happiness. So this year, I’m…trying to be bold and date MYSELF! Ugh! I’m super nervous. I’ve done movies alone before, I’m okay with going to the movies alone. It’s dark no one is looking at you. But the thought of being in a restaurant alone gives me slight anxiety. How do people do it? How do you sit and eat alone and be okay with it? Please share!! Well, this weekend I’m going to try and force myself to take me (yes me) out to dinner and a movie. As I type this I’m like “yea right”, but something about putting it on a blog kind of holds you accountable. I’m going to get pretty, throw on some heels, maybe even wear a sexy panty and get in my car and drive somewhere nice. It’d be my first night eating alone, wow. Wow, I’m 29 and never ate alone.
I’m trying to learn how to take care of me emotionally. Not the “I’m independent, I don’t need a man” mentality, but the “I know who I am, I know what I want, I’m happy and I’m okay with doing it alone” mentality. After Mr. Ex, I found myself missing that belonging feeling. So I met and found myself emotionally clinging to Mr. Unavailable. He became my “rebound” guy. I’d fill you in about Mr. Unavailable in another blog post. He was a nice guy, but not for me and definitely not at the right time.
I used to be this confident, had everything figured out type of woman. My friends always came to me for help on a project or advice on what’s their next move. Now, I feel lost. And I honestly think this lost feeling comes from living alone. I have no one to decide for, no one to decide for me. I have no one to ask what they want for dinner, or should we plan a vacation for the summer. It’s all ME! Sometimes, I get excited at the thought of it, and then sometimes I get scared. I freak out, I shut down, I freeze. I’m still trying to figure it out as I go along. I really haven’t gotten a grasp on it. I thought I was fine after going thru my healing process but it’s hitting me that I’m not. Maybe, this IS my healing process. Maybe last year was just a fluff?