So I had this interesting conversation with Mr. Filler.
I’m not sure if I gave much background about Mr. Filler, but he’s my great friend. Honestly, he’s like my male best-friend, we’ve been friends for about 10yrs now (before Mr. Ex). We talk about any and everything. He’s had a grand guided tour of my dark, creepy, cold closet (or should I say closets) and he’s walked me through his. No judgments, no questions, we just talk and listen. We’ve always had great communication, I admire that about us. Well, Mr. Filler moved out from his ex the same year I did. So for a few months, with the fear of meeting new people, dating, or contacting a nasty STD we became each other’s “sexual filler”. Our first weekend together, was exciting. Mr. Filler drove four hours to see me, I can only imagine the thoughts going through his head at the time. Well, for me so many “what if” thoughts had my nerves shot. Our first night after having sex, we just laid together. With my legs wrapped around his, we talked for hours, even about our exes and it was ok. Even after sex, as he’d seen my naked body for the first time, I remained comfortable.
Well, Mr. Filler and I spoke last night about friendships compared to relationships. I asked him “how come as friends people are so comfortable around one another? They’d tell each other anything without that fear of being judged”? And for me personally it’s like “who cares I’m not trying impress you”. But when it comes to someone you’re dating, someone you’d potentially make a mate, you’re afraid for that person to know too much about you. Sometimes we don’t show our truest self. It’s like you’re filtered. You carefully choose your words. You carefully choose how you present yourself. I picture it as holding in your fart when your stomach hurts lol. Why is that? With friendships, there’s this comfort, this, “it’s ok to relax” feeling. With relationships we think way too much. Well, I know I think way too much. Maybe it’s just me?
I’m still trying to find what works for me I guess. What would make me happy rather than losing myself. I want someone I could be unfiltered with. Tell him everything and anything with no hesitation, because it’s ok. After being with Mr. Ex for 8 years, I’m saddened to say we never reached that unfiltered stage. He was judgmental, so I held a lot in. With starting that relationship so young, I accepted it as just a part of the relationship, the “it is what it is” mind frame. But as time trickled along, looking back with each “judgment” I lost myself more and more. I became a turtle buried in my own shell.
What I noticed with Mr. Unavailable, I worked towards proving myself that I could be a great woman for him. I cooked, I cleaned, and I went shopping. Honestly, I did a lot. It was too much, I was bugging out, and it was draining. I wanted to make sure he was happy, not really considering my own happiness. I was losing myself before we got started. Weird, because I’m not quite sure why or how I became like this. I was totally pushing us into this relationship phase. Was I ready for it? Hells no! It was all unconscious moves. It’s pretty scary because with Mr. Ex I totally lost myself and after living by myself for a few months I thought I had all this figured out, I thought I had myself together.
Looking into my own mirror, I’m seeing that when there’s someone I have feelings for or see as a potential mate I go into this “let me prove my worth/filtered” mode. I become someone he wants me to be. Unable to relax, I am on guard. Maybe, I’m afraid his pristine vision of me would dissipate if he knew I liked to smoke sometimes, or go to strip clubs (male or female). I’m learning this about myself now. Wow, something about typing a blog that causes so much reflection. Whenever I speak to Mr. Filler I always wish I had the friendship we shared with someone I had feelings for. I have no feelings for him, I care for him as a friend but it stops there.
I want a lover and a friend. I want that unfiltered love.