Blocking Mr. New…Why?

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I met someone. He’s a great guy. He’s everything on my list and more, yet my past, I still hold on. I cannot let go of Mr. Ex. I’m angry at him for where I am placed, how can I move on?  Mr. New is awesome. He treats me how I know I should be treated. Weeks in and he continues to show me my worth. Yet when I feel him trying to move closer, I push him away. I’ve thus pushed him away to a point where he is now hesitant to speak romantically to me, in fear I may run and retreat into my dark sad corner, my past. Why is letting go so hard? I’m now approaching 2yrs of being single. Sleeping around was fun and now that I’ve met someone serious, I freeze. I catch such anxiety to a point where my heart races, my palm sweats and I feel the walls collapsing upon me.

Maybe, I never took the time for me. But, I thought I did. I felt just fine. I thought I was over Mr. Ex. Wasn’t thinking of him, haven’t even spoke to him. Yet, Mr. New comes along and I’m afraid. My feelings for Mr. Ex are awoken again. Is this a defense mechanism? I am no therapist. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like I may never be ready for a relationship for I am deeply scarred. For whoever tries to get close I run the opposite direction, protection. But, is it truly protection? I keep using this excuse, but it’s just that, an excuse. Mr. New is amazing. He cooks, he cleans, he caters to my every need and he just asks that I grow emotionally with him as time progresses. Yet, I am afraid.

Why can’t I just let go of Mr. Ex and move on with my life? He was a jerk. He was an asshole. And here he is now in a relationship with the very woman he cheated on me with. Yet, I still hold on. I wake up day by day finding excuses not to give Mr. New more of me other than a night out at the movies, sex and a quiet escape before dawn breaks. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I want to cry. He deserves better, yet how can I give, when that very piece of me is missing?

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One thought on “Blocking Mr. New…Why?

    Battered Wife Seeking Better Life said:
    April 25, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Sounds to me like on some level you may be scared that all of these wonderful traits that are present now may lead to Mr. New turning into Mr. Ex. You may not consciously think that but internally your wall is going up. My guess is that because of those scars you are scared to take a leap of faith and let Mr. New catch you. I’m sure, like for the rest of us, your Ex was also wonderful in the beginning. That’s where the fear to commit is coming from. You’re right, it is a defense mechanism. If you go all in and Mr. New starts acting like Mr. Ex you will be upset that you ignored your gut. But what if will never turn into Mr. Ex? You won’t know unless you let down your wall. And if he does…you are now prepared with experience so you can get rid of him quickly. And if he doesn’t…well then, you are one lucky woman. 🙂

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