It’s been two years and I am still questioning love. Does it really exist between a man and a woman. Can you commit yourself fully to one person and not desire another? It’s been two years and that doubt still is in my heart . I’m unwilling to trust that word love when it rolls off the tongue of a man. A man that I have shared myself with in every way possible (physically, spiritually and emotionally). They say all men lie I don’t believe that. They just never tell the whole story. So technically they aren’t lying.They call it sparing our feelings. They feel if they tell us the truth we may fall apart. So why love me and have truths that can cause me to hate you. How do you love someone and tear them down. How is that love? I always ask myself why me? Why did he choose to fall in love with me? What is it that he loves? Why not her? Why me? I doubt love. I doubt honesty. I doubt commitment.
The aftermath stories have me kicking myself for every time I went back. Every time I crawled into his bed believing that maybe he would change his mind. When there was someone who was already on his mind. Someone who was there to give everything I thought I was giving. Even though he constantly reminded me that it was nothing. Deep down I knew it was something. I thought the LOVE would save us. Lol, their I go with that love thing. It didn’t exist. He was over me before I was gone. He had someone new before he made his decision. It made it so much easier to leave without a word or goodbye. I shed tears because I think how foolish of me. You allowed yet another one to fool you.
Why is it that the things you find out after the breakup is what tends to hurt the most? Knowing that the belief that there was truth to the situation diminishes. The light is no longer dim. My heart is pitch black. All the truth you thought was true, turned out to be a lie. Now your stuck trying to figure out was there really ever any truth at all. A question that will forever lie unanswered. It’s amazing how the word love has lost all value in my eyes. It’s been battered and abused to where hate more seems like the correct word to use to replace it. The aftermath stories allowed me to question if LOVE holds the right meaning. The aftermath stories has me questioning if TRUTH holds the right meaning. The truth was all lies and the love was hate in disguise. The Aftermath.
He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.
I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back
MY EYES WERE BARELY OPEN. THE FIRST THING THAT LEFT MY LIPS AS I LAYED IN MY BED, IS GOD PLEASE ENDOW ME. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING TODAY.I WOKE UP THANKFUL FOR LIFE. I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING I HAVNT FELT IN MONTHS. THAT WAS HAPPY. NOT THE HAPPY WE PUT ON FOR OTHERS WHEN WE ARE GOING THREW IT. I WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I DIDNT WANT TO GO THREW THE DAY TAKING DEEP BREATHS JUST TO FIGHT BACK RANDOM TEARS. TEARS THAT CAME WITHOUT A THOUGHT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR BUT YET THE THOUGHT OF HIM WAS OUTWEIGHING ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WERE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I JUST WANTED ONE HAPPY DAY FOR ME NOT FOR THEM NOT FOR HIM. I WANTED TO SMILE CAUSE I AM STILL GOING. I AM FIGHTING THREW IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID MORE THAN SMILE TODAY. I LAUGHED I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE. IT FELT SO GOOD.
SMILE FOR YOURSELF TODAY.
WALKING AWAY IS DEFINITELY EASIER SAID THAN DONE. AS MUCH AS WE KNOW THAT THE SITUATION WE ARE IN IS UNHEALTHY AND TOXIC.WHY DO WE GET THE FEELING AS IF WE MADE THE WRONG DECISION WHEN WE DECIDE TO WALK AWAY. WE SECOND GUESS WHAT WE KNOW IS RIGHT. WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE RIGHT CHOICES. WHY DON’T WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE UNHEALTHY CHOICES. WE DIVE HEART FIRST & THINK ABOUT IT AFTER THE FACT. EVERYTHING BAD MAKES US FEEL SO GOOD. SHIT, WELL AT LEAST IT DOES TO ME. AS MUCH AS I KNOW SOMEONE IS NO GOOD FOR ME, IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAY EVEN MORE.BUT WE NEED TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY.
SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.THEY COME BACK STRONG.OF COURSE WE GET WEAK. THEN IT FEELS GOOD FOR AWHILE. YOU START SEEING ALL THE REASONS WHY YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM. THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT IS BACK TO THE SAME OLD THING.THEN YOUR ASKING YOURSELF WHY? WHAT HAPPENED.
THEN YOU HAVE THE TIMES WHERE YOU WALK AWAY.BUT WHEN THEY COMEBACK, YOU TURN AWAY.YOU FIND THAT STRENGTH. SOMETIMES IT HURTS,HELL MOST TIMES IT DOES HURT.BUT THERE’S NO WAY IT WILL WORK. AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THEM YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO LETS GO AND LETS GO FOR GOOD. THAT MEANS SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. SWOLLEN EYES FROM CRYING OVER THE SIMPLEST THINGS. THINGS THAT DON’T EVEN RELATES TO THEM. YOU START TO SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING YOU DID DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER.
WHAT YOU COULD OF DONE BETTER.HOW COULD YOU HAVE CHANGED SO THE RELATIONSHIP COULD OF WORKED.IN REALITY YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDED TO CHANGE.YOU MAY NOT HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT.BUT YOU DIDNT DO EVERYTHING WRONG.SHIT IT IS NOT ALWAYS ALL YOUR FAULT.WE USUALLY PUT ALL THE BLAME ON OURSELVES.
ONLY BECAUSE WE DON’T EVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.WE MAY NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.
WHAT BROUGHT THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN. IT WAS NOT ONLY YOU.WE SURELY FEEL LIKE WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE SUFFERING. IN REALITY SOMETIMES THEY JUST DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. CAUSE IN THEIR HEADS ITS BEEN OVER, AND IT WAS A RELIEF FOR THEM WHEN YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND YOU DO HAVE THOSE WHO ACTUALLY CARE AND IS HURTING AS WELL.BUT OF COURSE THEIR PRIDE WONT LET THEM SHOW IT. THEY GO ON WITH LIFE BURNING ON THE INSIDE, AND ON THE OUTSIDE THEY ARE ABLE TO LIVE LIKE AS IF NOTHING IS EVEN WRONG……
IT WAS HARD TO DECIDE WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT FIRST. I WAS ALWAYS HESITANT ON WRITING ABOUT STORIES OF MY LIFE. I FIGURED MOST PPL MIGHT SHARE IN THE SAME EXPERIENCES I HAVE. SO WHAT THE HELL,HERE IT GOES ENJOY!
SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN
I KNOW I KNOW. YOU READ THE TOPIC AND THOUGHT WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL. WELL I WILL TELL A LOT OF THINGS IS WRONG WITH ALL OF US. SO DONT BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE. FROM THE DAY I SAW THIS MAN I KNEW HE WAS TROUBLE. I KEPT MY DISTANCE THE BEST I CAN AND FOR AS LONG AS I COULD. THATS WHAT ATTRACTED HIM EVEN MORE TO ME. ALMOST EVERYMAN LUVS A CHASE. I REALLY SHOULD SAY EVERY MAN LOVES A CHASE. SO DO MOST WOMEN. I WOULD SAY I LUV A CHASE BUT I DONT. ITS EITHER YOUR INTERESTED OR YOUR NOT.
ANYWAY, MR.BLUE (MARRIED GUYS ALIAS) AND I BECAME THE BEST OF FRIENDS. WE STARTED DOING EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WE WORKED,ATE,STUDIED AND BEST OF ALL WORKED OUT TOGETHER. WHEN THE FRIENDSHIP STARTED HE HAD THE PERFECT MARRIAGE NO COMPLAINTS, TALKED SO HIGHLY ABOUT HIS WIFE. WHEN HE STARTED TO GROW FEELINGS FOR ME HIS RELATIONSHIP TURNED INTO THE MARRIAGE FROM HELL. ALL THE PROBLEMS THEY HAD BEEN GOING THREW BEFORE HE MET ME HAD SURFACED. BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING ALL ALONG. THAT IS WHAT MADE ME FALL FOR HIM.
THE AFFAIR BEGAN. IT WENT ON FOR MONTHS. OF COURSE HE CONSTANTLY TOLD ME HE WAS LEAVING AND OF COURSE I BELIEVED HIM. THIS RELATIONSHIP TOOK A TOLL ON ME AND I COULDN’T HANDLE IT.I WAS STRUGGLING WITH IT MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. I FINALLY BUILT UP THE STRENGTH TO END THINGS. MONTHS AFTER WE STOP TALKING I FOUND OUT HIS WIFE HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO THEIR SECOND CHILD. WHEN A MUTUAL FRIEND HAD TOLD ME MY KNEES BUCKLED. I WAS MORTIFIED AND FELT EVEN MORE DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF.
DID I GET OVER THE SITUATION? HELLS TO THE YEA I DID.