I met someone. He’s a great guy. He’s everything on my list and more, yet my past, I still hold on. I cannot let go of Mr. Ex. I’m angry at him for where I am placed, how can I move on? Mr. New is awesome. He treats me how I know I should be treated. Weeks in and he continues to show me my worth. Yet when I feel him trying to move closer, I push him away. I’ve thus pushed him away to a point where he is now hesitant to speak romantically to me, in fear I may run and retreat into my dark sad corner, my past. Why is letting go so hard? I’m now approaching 2yrs of being single. Sleeping around was fun and now that I’ve met someone serious, I freeze. I catch such anxiety to a point where my heart races, my palm sweats and I feel the walls collapsing upon me.
Maybe, I never took the time for me. But, I thought I did. I felt just fine. I thought I was over Mr. Ex. Wasn’t thinking of him, haven’t even spoke to him. Yet, Mr. New comes along and I’m afraid. My feelings for Mr. Ex are awoken again. Is this a defense mechanism? I am no therapist. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like I may never be ready for a relationship for I am deeply scarred. For whoever tries to get close I run the opposite direction, protection. But, is it truly protection? I keep using this excuse, but it’s just that, an excuse. Mr. New is amazing. He cooks, he cleans, he caters to my every need and he just asks that I grow emotionally with him as time progresses. Yet, I am afraid.
Why can’t I just let go of Mr. Ex and move on with my life? He was a jerk. He was an asshole. And here he is now in a relationship with the very woman he cheated on me with. Yet, I still hold on. I wake up day by day finding excuses not to give Mr. New more of me other than a night out at the movies, sex and a quiet escape before dawn breaks. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I want to cry. He deserves better, yet how can I give, when that very piece of me is missing?
“I miss you”, a text I received from a familiar number. I had deleted his information from my phone, but I knew who it was. I knew he was trying to be back into my life. I knew he would probably bring me in close and hurt my feelings once again. I knew he was trouble. Mmmm but trouble excites me, it arouses me as if I’m just about to reach that moment of eruption. That very moment when I cannot control the forces around me nor within me, but I smile in pain. I smile in pleasure.
This time I am ready. I am ready for war. I am ready for his games. His sex is good, but mine is better. This time, I’d make him want me more, make him beg for the softness of my lips. Make a tear fall from his brown eye. Then, just then, I’d get up, pull down my skirt and walk out. As I shut the door, whisper “miss this m*****f***er”.
Have you ever started writing a poem with a meaning in mind then as you go along realize the meaning of the poem has somehow transitioned to something else? And you’re reading it like how the hell did that happen?!?
I started writing about not being happy but trying to carry on as you are and wishing someone would notice and call you out. Somehow, along the way my poem turned into me having feelings for a friend (which I think I’m starting to like Mr. Filler) anyways now I’m stumped lol. Should I continue with what I started with or go along with what my mind is making me?! Ugh! and I don’t know why I’m catching feelings for Mr. Filler! We’ve been friends for soooo many years and now I want to all of a sudden start really liking him?!? How dare I?!
Here’s the beginning of my poem titled “Inside”….if you want to add a few lines, go ahead. Maybe you could help me with my direction lol. Happy Thursday loves!!
I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THESE FEELINGS
BUT BEHIND MY SHYNESS
I DUCK BEHIND
MY OWN SHADOW
WISH YOU COULD LOOK PAST MY SMILE
AND SEE THE HURT IN MY EYES
SEE MY EMOTIONAL BATTLE
9:23 AM and I am up eating cookies for breakfast. Ah, this morning I feel good. These past few days I was feeling a little low, a little emotionally drained. Sometimes I get like that and have no absolute explanation for it. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself, to myself and shut down from the rest of the world. I consider taking a step back from this chaotic world rather healthy. Work, people, friends, lovers, can often times drain the hell out of you. As long as one is not “stuck” I guess, not going deep into this dark corner and creating a home there.
When I feel myself building a “home”, I try to wake myself up, pick myself up, maybe listen to some happy, upbeat tunes. I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling down, I find myself watching, reading, listening to depressing shit. I don’t know how the hell that happens. Anyways, so here I am this morning feeling rather fine. But I have no explanation for this feeling this morning either. I’m bobbing my head to Whitney Houston munching on some soft sweet cookies. Mmmmm the music, the cookies, I don’t know but today, I’m happy.
Shifting in a bed full of pillows
I can feel the feathers as they lay just beneath my chin
Mozart in the background, sheets the scent of Tide
My ear rings, my noise twitches, yet I refuse to open my eyes
Stay just a little longer, with me
Bits of dreams, like a family gathering,
It’s only just a “visit”
Soon little by little the pillows will clump
The tide would transcend to an unwelcome stench
And Mozart would get drained out by the sound of rushing feet
The impatient cars as their horns and their breaks speak
Another memory diminished by the busyness of 15th street
I release my sealed shut eyes
And face what one calls “reality”
But this, this is not “REAL” to me
This is not where I am supposed to be
THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT ONCE WAS GRANTED TO ME
MY GOD! Why have I been a victim to this circumstance?
I walk into church for guidance, for love, for support
Yet some members refuse to hold my hand
Turn up their nose, whisper, scoot to the side
As I walk down, just to kneel upon YOU Lord
As I pray, and pray and pray tears stream down my brown cheeks
I am a strong man, I refuse to allow
A cup and coins
To Own ME
Funny – I love to laugh, who doesn’t?
A kid at heart – Being an adult ALL THE TIME sucks
A little spontaneous – I’m a Capricorn, don’t freak me out
Extrovert – compliment me when I have my shy moments
Businessman – make it happen
Good with your finances – must have a budget
Have goals – always seeking growth
Knows how to wear a suit – and looks damn good in it
Honest – tell me anything, we’d bond
Loyal – No doubt
Motivator – able to push me when I’m feeling low
Open Minded – I can share my deepest thoughts with no worries
My rock – you hold me down
If you could create your next love, what would they be?
You speak so freely of this love
You have for me
Words creatively entwined
Letter to letter
I watch your lips move as you
Describe this “love”
Your eyes, as crystal
As the ocean
Yet here I stand amongst you
I wish I could mirror the harmonizing words
You so bravely speak to me
I am broken
I am damaged
I am unable to free this weight keeping me
As I lift my feet
This “love” I long to reciprocate
I am frozen