Author: silentlybliss

Blocking Mr. New…Why?

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I met someone. He’s a great guy. He’s everything on my list and more, yet my past, I still hold on. I cannot let go of Mr. Ex. I’m angry at him for where I am placed, how can I move on?  Mr. New is awesome. He treats me how I know I should be treated. Weeks in and he continues to show me my worth. Yet when I feel him trying to move closer, I push him away. I’ve thus pushed him away to a point where he is now hesitant to speak romantically to me, in fear I may run and retreat into my dark sad corner, my past. Why is letting go so hard? I’m now approaching 2yrs of being single. Sleeping around was fun and now that I’ve met someone serious, I freeze. I catch such anxiety to a point where my heart races, my palm sweats and I feel the walls collapsing upon me.

Maybe, I never took the time for me. But, I thought I did. I felt just fine. I thought I was over Mr. Ex. Wasn’t thinking of him, haven’t even spoke to him. Yet, Mr. New comes along and I’m afraid. My feelings for Mr. Ex are awoken again. Is this a defense mechanism? I am no therapist. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like I may never be ready for a relationship for I am deeply scarred. For whoever tries to get close I run the opposite direction, protection. But, is it truly protection? I keep using this excuse, but it’s just that, an excuse. Mr. New is amazing. He cooks, he cleans, he caters to my every need and he just asks that I grow emotionally with him as time progresses. Yet, I am afraid.

Why can’t I just let go of Mr. Ex and move on with my life? He was a jerk. He was an asshole. And here he is now in a relationship with the very woman he cheated on me with. Yet, I still hold on. I wake up day by day finding excuses not to give Mr. New more of me other than a night out at the movies, sex and a quiet escape before dawn breaks. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I want to cry. He deserves better, yet how can I give, when that very piece of me is missing?

What a Jerk!

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 “I miss you”, a text I received from a familiar number. I had deleted his information from my phone, but I knew who it was.  I knew he was trying to be back into my life. I knew he would probably bring me in close and hurt my feelings once again. I knew he was trouble. Mmmm but trouble excites me, it arouses me as if I’m just about to reach that moment of eruption. That very moment when I cannot control the forces around me nor within me, but I smile in pain. I smile in pleasure.

This time I am ready. I am ready for war. I am ready for his games. His sex is good, but mine is better. This time, I’d make him want me more, make him beg for the softness of my lips. Make a tear fall from his brown eye. Then, just then, I’d get up, pull down my skirt and walk out. As I shut the door, whisper “miss this m*****f***er”.

 -SilentyBliss

HAVE YOU EVER?

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Have you ever started writing a poem with a meaning in mind then as you go along realize the meaning of the poem has somehow transitioned to something else? And you’re reading it like how the hell did that happen?!?

Well,

I started writing about not being happy but trying to carry on as you are and wishing someone would notice and call you out. Somehow, along the way my poem turned into me having feelings for a friend (which I think I’m starting to like Mr. Filler) anyways now I’m stumped lol. Should I continue with what I started with or go along with what my mind is making me?! Ugh! and I don’t know why I’m catching feelings for Mr. Filler! We’ve been friends for soooo many years and now I want to all of a sudden start really liking him?!? How dare I?!

Here’s the beginning of my poem titled “Inside”….if you want to add a few lines, go ahead. Maybe you could help me with my direction lol. Happy Thursday loves!!

I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THESE FEELINGS

WITHIN ME

BUT BEHIND MY SHYNESS

I HIDE

I DUCK BEHIND

MY OWN SHADOW

WISH YOU COULD LOOK PAST MY SMILE

AND SEE THE HURT IN MY EYES

SEE MY EMOTIONAL BATTLE

-SilentlyBliss

Happy

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9:23 AM and I am up eating cookies for breakfast. Ah, this morning I feel good. These past few days I was feeling a little low, a little emotionally drained. Sometimes I get like that and have no absolute explanation for it. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself, to myself and shut down from the rest of the world. I consider taking a step back from this chaotic world rather healthy. Work, people, friends, lovers, can often times drain the hell out of you. As long as one is not “stuck” I guess, not going deep into this dark corner and creating a home there.

When I feel myself building a “home”, I try to wake myself up, pick myself up, maybe listen to some happy, upbeat tunes. I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling down, I find myself watching, reading, listening to depressing shit. I don’t know how the hell that happens. Anyways, so here I am this morning feeling rather fine. But I have no explanation for this feeling this morning either. I’m bobbing my head to Whitney Houston munching on some soft sweet cookies. Mmmmm the music, the cookies, I don’t know but today, I’m happy.

 

-SilentyBliss

15th street

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Shifting in a bed full of pillows

I can feel the feathers as they lay just beneath my chin

Mozart in the background, sheets the scent of Tide

My ear rings, my noise twitches, yet I refuse to open my eyes

Stay just a little longer, with me

Bits of dreams, like a family gathering,

It’s only just a “visit”

Soon little by little the pillows will clump

The tide would transcend to an unwelcome stench

And Mozart would get drained out by the sound of rushing feet

The impatient cars as their horns and their breaks speak

Another memory diminished by the busyness of 15th street

I release my sealed shut eyes

And face what one calls “reality”

But this, this is not “REAL” to me

This is not where I am supposed to be

THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT ONCE WAS GRANTED  TO ME

MY GOD! Why have I been a victim to this circumstance?

I walk into church for guidance, for love, for support

Yet some members refuse to hold my hand

Turn up their nose, whisper, scoot to the side

As I walk down, just to kneel upon YOU Lord

As I pray, and pray and pray tears stream down my brown cheeks

I am a strong man, I refuse to allow

A cup and coins

To Own ME

-SilentlyBliss

IF I COULD CREATE YOU BEFORE I MEET YOU, YOU’D BE

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Funny I love to laugh, who doesn’t?

A kid at heartBeing an adult ALL THE TIME sucks

A little spontaneousI’m a Capricorn, don’t freak me out

Extrovert  – compliment me when I have my shy moments

Businessman  – make it happen

Good with your financesmust have a budget

Have goalsalways seeking growth

Knows how to wear a suitand looks damn good in it

Honesttell me anything, we’d bond

LoyalNo doubt

Motivatorable to push me when I’m feeling low

Open MindedI can share my deepest thoughts with no worries

My rockyou hold me down

 

If you could create your next love, what would they be?

 

-SilentlyBliss

I wish I could love you: Frozen

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You speak so freely of this love

You have for me

Words creatively entwined

Letter to letter

I watch your lips move as you

Describe this “love”

Your eyes, as crystal

As the ocean

Yet here I stand amongst you

Frozen

I’m sorry

I wish I could mirror the harmonizing words

You so bravely speak to me

But

I am broken

I am damaged

I am unable to free this weight keeping me

As I lift my feet

This “love” I long to reciprocate

But today

I am frozen

With

Hate

 

-SilentyBliss