Baggage

Aftermath

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Why is it that the things you find out after the breakup is what tends to hurt the most? Knowing that the belief that there was truth to the situation diminishes. The light is no longer dim. My heart is pitch black. All the truth you thought was true, turned out to be a lie. Now your stuck trying to figure out was there really ever any truth at all. A question that will forever lie unanswered. It’s amazing how the word love has lost all value in my eyes. It’s been battered and abused to where hate more seems like the correct word to use to replace it. The aftermath stories allowed me to question if LOVE holds the right meaning. The aftermath stories has me questioning if TRUTH holds the right meaning. The truth was all lies and the love was hate in disguise. The Aftermath.

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The Motions

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He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love  for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.

EMPTY

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I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back

DATING ME, LOVING ME, ALL ABOUT ME

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So, I’m working on this whole loving me process this year. After moving out from Mr. Ex, I slept around (mmm I miss Mr. Filler), dated here and there (you have yet to meet Mr. Unavailable) and worked two crazy full time jobs. I did pretty much anything to get the thought of Mr. Ex out of my head; this includes plenty high, drunken nights.  I had my year of fun, but now I feel as if I should just focus on me more. Get to know myself better, find my true happiness. Read the rest of this entry »

SMILE

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MY EYES WERE BARELY OPEN. THE FIRST THING THAT LEFT MY LIPS AS I LAYED IN MY BED, IS GOD PLEASE ENDOW ME. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING TODAY.I WOKE UP THANKFUL FOR LIFE. I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING I HAVNT FELT IN MONTHS. THAT WAS HAPPY. NOT THE HAPPY WE PUT ON FOR OTHERS WHEN WE ARE GOING THREW IT.  I WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I DIDNT WANT TO GO THREW THE DAY TAKING DEEP BREATHS JUST TO FIGHT BACK RANDOM TEARS. TEARS THAT CAME WITHOUT A THOUGHT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR BUT YET THE THOUGHT OF HIM WAS OUTWEIGHING ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WERE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I JUST WANTED ONE HAPPY DAY FOR ME NOT FOR THEM NOT FOR HIM. I WANTED TO SMILE CAUSE I AM STILL GOING. I AM FIGHTING THREW IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID MORE THAN SMILE TODAY. I LAUGHED I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE. IT FELT SO GOOD.

 

 

SMILE FOR YOURSELF TODAY.

EXHAUSTED

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Exhausted, deprived, sucked dry

I’ve lived, I’m living

Yet I’m not alive

You next to me, I’m suffocated

Unable to breath, unable to think

Unable to smile, unable to laugh

I’m unmotivated

Existing, merely existing

Within a relationship

Without the….relations

Within a marriage

Without the merry

Within

Within

Within a house

Without a home…..

I am alone

Yes, I am alone

I am alone when you are beside me

I am alone

when you are

Inside me

Motionless making without the love

Legs only opened for the sake

OF

Unable to enjoy you

I am dry

Tears streaming, I close my eyes

Again, I am existing

Merely existing

Within an empty room

Body flipped, twisted within positions

Your moaning

To my

Regressions

I cannot suppress this

I cannot support this

Sanctioning the little air you’ve given me

My inner voice grasps

Screams

I cannot do this

Devaluing me

diamond dulled

stripped of its shine

I open my eyes

I’ve opened my eyes

I am more than this

Merely existing

Who wants to just exist?

I am more than this

Giving you what you need

I lose more of me

Fraction of a fraction of a fraction

I become less of me

I AM MORE THAN THIS

-SilentyBliss

That Moment….For You

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One of our biggest mistakes once a relationship ends is not taking the time out for ourselves before we jump into another commitment. Often times the thought of being alone is frightening. We don’t take that moment to get to know ourselves, to date ourselves, to just find out what we like and don’t like.

Have you felt that the last few relationships have consisted of the same “drama”? The same heartaches? The same tears? Well, ask yourself have you even taken the time to destroy your own baggage? The baggage you’ve carried from one relationship to the next. This so-called baggage, consistently becoming heavier and heavier as you move from one lover to another.  What are you carrying with you and why? If you have old issues (not new issues), you have to face those before willing to commit with someone else. Is it fair to ask them to not only love you but love your baggage too? Yes, love your baggage too!! If you’re carrying all this behind you, you’re basically standing at someone’s door saying “love me as I am, accept these bags, and me”. Honey, that’s not fair. That’s not fair to your future lover nor is it to you. Why not take time out for yourself? Why haven’t you taken the time to just love you? People, we must love to learn ourselves first before we can fully have someone love us.  The fear of being alone is so heavy nowadays.  Being alone is a beautiful thing, trust me. It makes you more beautiful, stronger and easier for the perfect person to love you completely.

After a breakup, everyone has their advice on how long you should be single. How long before the divorce is over should you, remarry. Ask your friends, ask your relatives, pretty much everyone’s answer would be different. After my 8 year relationship ended it took me 6 months to fully be happy with me.  Every weekend I did something for me, reading, shopping, my hair, nails, movies, etc.  Maybe it’d be sooner for you, or longer, that’s just the time I needed for me.  It’s now been over a year of living by myself and I’m still noticing things about me. I realized I lost myself so much in my relationship, I didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know what shows I liked (how sad is that)? Once I moved out, a few bags were left at his front door. I no longer carried the stress and worries of his happiness. I was so set on making sure he was happy, I completely lost myself. I lost my friends (he didn’t approve of them, so I cast them aside). How could such a strong woman become so weak for a man who a few years within the relationship showed he no longer cared, but she stuck around? Yes, that was me. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make him HAPPY.  But, what about ME?!?

If you’ve recently experience a breakup, maybe you’re separated. Take this time to find your strength. Go back to doing what you loved that has been in the closet collecting dust. Maybe you’re a poet? Go to a poetry reading. Maybe you’re a painter? Paint something, I’d love to see. Whatever it is, do it for you. And, it’s ok to go out alone. Dress up, take yourself to the movies, it’s ok. We don’t need that other person to make us happy; we have to find our happiness within first.

Have a wonderful week!