He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.
I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back
So this past Saturday night, I took myself out to dinner for the first time. I initially planned to do dinner and movies but by the time my check was paid I had already missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, (oh well, maybe next week). This was a very hard task for me. I decided to eat at Chili’s (one of my favorite restaurants) and I picked a late time of 9:30pm. Somehow I figured the later the better LOL. Well, my mistake, Chili’s was still crowded on a Saturday night! What the hell was I thinking?!? (Insert shame face here)
As I turned into the parking lot there were so many cars, so many people. I could feel my heart racing. Honestly, that very moment, I felt so alone. I could feel the tears making way to my eyes. A young woman dining alone, who does that? What am I doing? Am I crazy? I should just leave. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind which only caused me to sit in my car a little longer. I couldn’t do it. McDonalds drive thru was looking mighty inviting to me. That golden arch never shined so bright.
MY EYES WERE BARELY OPEN. THE FIRST THING THAT LEFT MY LIPS AS I LAYED IN MY BED, IS GOD PLEASE ENDOW ME. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING TODAY.I WOKE UP THANKFUL FOR LIFE. I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING I HAVNT FELT IN MONTHS. THAT WAS HAPPY. NOT THE HAPPY WE PUT ON FOR OTHERS WHEN WE ARE GOING THREW IT. I WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I DIDNT WANT TO GO THREW THE DAY TAKING DEEP BREATHS JUST TO FIGHT BACK RANDOM TEARS. TEARS THAT CAME WITHOUT A THOUGHT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR BUT YET THE THOUGHT OF HIM WAS OUTWEIGHING ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WERE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I JUST WANTED ONE HAPPY DAY FOR ME NOT FOR THEM NOT FOR HIM. I WANTED TO SMILE CAUSE I AM STILL GOING. I AM FIGHTING THREW IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID MORE THAN SMILE TODAY. I LAUGHED I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE. IT FELT SO GOOD.
SMILE FOR YOURSELF TODAY.
I’d like to call him Mr. Filler. I don’t know what else to name him, but the thought of him fulfilling my “needs” brought on the name Mr. Filler.
After gaining the strength of saving my money, finding a new place, packing up my things and actually keeping my word of moving…I was still sexually weak for my ex. It wasn’t an easy process. Someone who knew every inch of my body, I couldn’t help but find myself back in our his bed. He loved it, he loved having that control over me. He’d seduce me, and I’d forget all the crap and pain he put me through. A temporary fix. Each orgasm resulted in an emotional setback of at least 3 months for me. It was a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle only we can end for ourselves. Until then, keep repeating.
After a short period of happy releases to crazy emotional rages of “why am I so confused?!” I took some sexual time off. It was hard. Trust me, I gained enough points off my credit card from all the battery purchases. I needed a Filler. I needed someone to fulfill only one role. But, I was not ready to meet anyone new, invest the time and effort into getting to know them. That’s a waste and definitely not fair to the other person especially if they’re in the “I’m looking for a future” phase and you’re not. This is how a lot of relationships become complicated, lack of intentions initially expressed by both partners.
Mr. Filler was a good friend of mines. Actually, I’d known him longer than Mr. Ex. We never slept together, never even entertained the idea, prior to, we were just that, friends.
Mr. Filler was great. He was spontaneous, exciting, invigorating. I LOVED our sexual escapades. His touches, his kisses, the positions he twisted me in, had me wanting more. I was addicted. He was addicted. We were on fire. Mentally, I gained so much confidence from it. I only knew how to please my ex, so honestly I was VERY nervous. But when Mr. Filler climaxed and curled up like a baby, I mentally walked in front of the mirror and shouted “FUCK YEA!” Those moments made me stronger. Those moments made me value me a little bit more.
Mr. Filler not only released my sexual tension but he also released one of my greatest fears. We all have this “fear” and often times it prevents us from moving onto something new. The “we’ve been together for [insert] years, how could I find anyone to know me, want me, love me like my ex” fear. I’m happy I got over it. Mr. Filler was just a stop along the journey for me, nothing more, nothing less. For that moment, those batteries sat in the drawer, there were no weekend Dollar Tree visits.
One of our biggest mistakes once a relationship ends is not taking the time out for ourselves before we jump into another commitment. Often times the thought of being alone is frightening. We don’t take that moment to get to know ourselves, to date ourselves, to just find out what we like and don’t like.
Have you felt that the last few relationships have consisted of the same “drama”? The same heartaches? The same tears? Well, ask yourself have you even taken the time to destroy your own baggage? The baggage you’ve carried from one relationship to the next. This so-called baggage, consistently becoming heavier and heavier as you move from one lover to another. What are you carrying with you and why? If you have old issues (not new issues), you have to face those before willing to commit with someone else. Is it fair to ask them to not only love you but love your baggage too? Yes, love your baggage too!! If you’re carrying all this behind you, you’re basically standing at someone’s door saying “love me as I am, accept these bags, and me”. Honey, that’s not fair. That’s not fair to your future lover nor is it to you. Why not take time out for yourself? Why haven’t you taken the time to just love you? People, we must love to learn ourselves first before we can fully have someone love us. The fear of being alone is so heavy nowadays. Being alone is a beautiful thing, trust me. It makes you more beautiful, stronger and easier for the perfect person to love you completely.
After a breakup, everyone has their advice on how long you should be single. How long before the divorce is over should you, remarry. Ask your friends, ask your relatives, pretty much everyone’s answer would be different. After my 8 year relationship ended it took me 6 months to fully be happy with me. Every weekend I did something for me, reading, shopping, my hair, nails, movies, etc. Maybe it’d be sooner for you, or longer, that’s just the time I needed for me. It’s now been over a year of living by myself and I’m still noticing things about me. I realized I lost myself so much in my relationship, I didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know what shows I liked (how sad is that)? Once I moved out, a few bags were left at his front door. I no longer carried the stress and worries of his happiness. I was so set on making sure he was happy, I completely lost myself. I lost my friends (he didn’t approve of them, so I cast them aside). How could such a strong woman become so weak for a man who a few years within the relationship showed he no longer cared, but she stuck around? Yes, that was me. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make him HAPPY. But, what about ME?!?
If you’ve recently experience a breakup, maybe you’re separated. Take this time to find your strength. Go back to doing what you loved that has been in the closet collecting dust. Maybe you’re a poet? Go to a poetry reading. Maybe you’re a painter? Paint something, I’d love to see. Whatever it is, do it for you. And, it’s ok to go out alone. Dress up, take yourself to the movies, it’s ok. We don’t need that other person to make us happy; we have to find our happiness within first.
Have a wonderful week!