So this past Saturday night, I took myself out to dinner for the first time. I initially planned to do dinner and movies but by the time my check was paid I had already missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, (oh well, maybe next week). This was a very hard task for me. I decided to eat at Chili’s (one of my favorite restaurants) and I picked a late time of 9:30pm. Somehow I figured the later the better LOL. Well, my mistake, Chili’s was still crowded on a Saturday night! What the hell was I thinking?!? (Insert shame face here)
As I turned into the parking lot there were so many cars, so many people. I could feel my heart racing. Honestly, that very moment, I felt so alone. I could feel the tears making way to my eyes. A young woman dining alone, who does that? What am I doing? Am I crazy? I should just leave. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind which only caused me to sit in my car a little longer. I couldn’t do it. McDonalds drive thru was looking mighty inviting to me. That golden arch never shined so bright.
So, I’m working on this whole loving me process this year. After moving out from Mr. Ex, I slept around (mmm I miss Mr. Filler), dated here and there (you have yet to meet Mr. Unavailable) and worked two crazy full time jobs. I did pretty much anything to get the thought of Mr. Ex out of my head; this includes plenty high, drunken nights. I had my year of fun, but now I feel as if I should just focus on me more. Get to know myself better, find my true happiness. Read the rest of this entry »
Sorry, I’ve been away for some time. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had any time to tend to the blog. Well, last night I was watching plenty specials on the year Anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. Can you believe it’s been a year? Wow.
Often times my mind drifts to where I was in my life a year or years ago. Taking this moment to reflect really helps me to see how much of a strong woman I am and truly how far I’ve come. I’d like to share my reflection moment with you, where I was two years ago during Hurricane Irene. She hit my area the night of Sunday, August 28, 2011. That calm Sunday morning Mr. Ex decided to go to work and be back early enough before Irene was due to visit. Looking back, was he really at work? Who knows, but I can remember he made it a big deal to go, when I didn’t understand. Well anyways, with Mr. Ex being at “work”, I decided to prepare for Ms. Irene’s arrival. Top on my list, candles and batteries. Of course we were bound to lose power, if someone sneezed hard enough in the neighborhood, lights out! So I made sure to stack up. After that, I went to the grocery store picked up some items (the usual water and dry snacks) and made sure my car had a full tank of gas. I made sure we were ready!
That afternoon, Mr. Ex arrived home. He noted how the bridges were closing soon and planned to go to his friend’s place in another borough. He looked at me with a straight face and said “what are you going to do”? HUH?!? My heart dropped, I struggled to swallow the lump of disappointment in my throat. My eyes darted from the candles, the flashlights, the batteries, the water, the groceries then back to him. Shocked, I stuttered “what do you mean? I’m staying here.” Now people, I’ve had some “feeling alone” moments within my relationship, but I’d say this moment is definitely within my top 3 (side mental note: maybe I should do a blog entry on my top 3).
Mr. Ex made plans for himself without including me. This sparked a HUGE argument. I was hurt. Then to throw salt in my face, he implied I could come with him. Pause, take a moment, and be in my shoes please. His friends did NOT like me. Yea, they could be cordial, but they did NOT like me. Why would I sleep at someone’s house where I was not initially thought of in the 1st place and of course do not forget did NOT like me. They thought I was this horrible crazy woman, without knowing the history that it was their “innocent” friend making me crazy. He had friends and I had lost mines at his will, how ironic is that? Anyways, back to the scene.
His independent decision, caused a major fight. Looking back, honestly I think this is what he wanted. He wanted to fight, because you know what he did? I’d let you take a moment and guess what he did…..yes, take another moment. He left! He walked out! He packed his overnight bag and walked OUT! As I’m typing this I’m trying to fight the tears coming to my eyes. This is a horrible memory. I sat on the couch counting the seconds he’d come back through that door. But, he didn’t. Instead he continued to drive, and please note the drive was 45 minutes away. He had to stop and get gas, he had to cross the bridge, he had to pay a toll. None of those moments did he bother to call me. Nor did this man even bother to turn around. He was angry (that’s what he said), but no anger in the world would make me leave someone I love alone prior to a Hurricane.
I was terrified. I sat on the couch alone and trembled. No one to hold me, no one to wipe my tears, I was alone. Hours later Irene hit, I lay in that bed crying but fighting to be strong. I broke down like a baby when the lights began to flicker, I was terrified. He left me there, a man so heartless and cold. I look back on that night and say wow, I was a strong woman. But, honestly that night I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel loved. I felt alone. Alone, just me, myself and Irene.
Exhausted, deprived, sucked dry
I’ve lived, I’m living
Yet I’m not alive
You next to me, I’m suffocated
Unable to breath, unable to think
Unable to smile, unable to laugh
Existing, merely existing
Within a relationship
Within a marriage
Without the merry
Within a house
Without a home…..
I am alone
Yes, I am alone
I am alone when you are beside me
I am alone
when you are
Motionless making without the love
Legs only opened for the sake
Unable to enjoy you
I am dry
Tears streaming, I close my eyes
Again, I am existing
Within an empty room
Body flipped, twisted within positions
I cannot suppress this
I cannot support this
Sanctioning the little air you’ve given me
My inner voice grasps
I cannot do this
stripped of its shine
I open my eyes
I’ve opened my eyes
I am more than this
Who wants to just exist?
I am more than this
Giving you what you need
I lose more of me
Fraction of a fraction of a fraction
I become less of me
I AM MORE THAN THIS