9:23 AM and I am up eating cookies for breakfast. Ah, this morning I feel good. These past few days I was feeling a little low, a little emotionally drained. Sometimes I get like that and have no absolute explanation for it. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself, to myself and shut down from the rest of the world. I consider taking a step back from this chaotic world rather healthy. Work, people, friends, lovers, can often times drain the hell out of you. As long as one is not “stuck” I guess, not going deep into this dark corner and creating a home there.
When I feel myself building a “home”, I try to wake myself up, pick myself up, maybe listen to some happy, upbeat tunes. I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling down, I find myself watching, reading, listening to depressing shit. I don’t know how the hell that happens. Anyways, so here I am this morning feeling rather fine. But I have no explanation for this feeling this morning either. I’m bobbing my head to Whitney Houston munching on some soft sweet cookies. Mmmmm the music, the cookies, I don’t know but today, I’m happy.
I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back
So, I’m working on this whole loving me process this year. After moving out from Mr. Ex, I slept around (mmm I miss Mr. Filler), dated here and there (you have yet to meet Mr. Unavailable) and worked two crazy full time jobs. I did pretty much anything to get the thought of Mr. Ex out of my head; this includes plenty high, drunken nights. I had my year of fun, but now I feel as if I should just focus on me more. Get to know myself better, find my true happiness. Read the rest of this entry »
Happy New Year my loves!
When the year hit, as people were dancing, smiling and kissing, I was thinking. I had a million thoughts taking over. I moved from an 8yr relationship in 2012, and it finally hit me I did most of my living for that man. I could tell you all his dreams, his desires, his bucket list, ask me mines, and I freeze up.
A young single professional woman, at 11:59pm on December 31st 2013, I found myself asking “what’s next?” 2013, I had it all planned. It was my year to get my financials in order. I paid off debt, built my credit and saved plenty. So, what should I do this year? I realized when you’re in a relationship, your friends and family kind of have things planned for you, “so when’s the wedding”, “so when are you guys going to have kids”, “so, when’s the next child?” When you’re single with no kids, people look at you like you’re this weird, lonely sad being LOL. Especially the older you are. Well, I’ll take weird (I do random singing and dancing lol) but not lonely nor sad.
At this point, I should have been engaged (I was), married (sorry he was a bum so I moved) or someone’s mom (well I have a niece and a nephew). Honestly, I don’t know what’s next for me. As an analytical, over planning, over thinking woman, when I think about 2014, I honestly get stressed out. So I figured this year, I’m just going to focus on being happy, enjoying my youth and making memories. If spontaneous trips to other counties makes me happy, then so be it! Why should I have everything PLANNED out?! I’m tired of planning. I’m tired of making these “lists”. I just need a mental break.
Since, I moved I’ve been so hard on myself proving that I could do it all on my own. Well! Look at me NOW! I didn’t think I’d be here, but I came far! 2012 when that year hit, I was fighting with Mr. Ex, tears streaming down my face as I heard voices in the background shouting “10, 9, 8…” Yea, so I definitely don’t’ want to go back there. I’m very proud of where I am now.
So I think this year, I’m taking a break. I’ll continue to save and maybe next year buy my 1st house, or maybe I’d sale my things and backpack through Europe. Who knows? I don’t know LOL.
Let’s get ready to make 2014 rock! 🙂
One of our biggest mistakes once a relationship ends is not taking the time out for ourselves before we jump into another commitment. Often times the thought of being alone is frightening. We don’t take that moment to get to know ourselves, to date ourselves, to just find out what we like and don’t like.
Have you felt that the last few relationships have consisted of the same “drama”? The same heartaches? The same tears? Well, ask yourself have you even taken the time to destroy your own baggage? The baggage you’ve carried from one relationship to the next. This so-called baggage, consistently becoming heavier and heavier as you move from one lover to another. What are you carrying with you and why? If you have old issues (not new issues), you have to face those before willing to commit with someone else. Is it fair to ask them to not only love you but love your baggage too? Yes, love your baggage too!! If you’re carrying all this behind you, you’re basically standing at someone’s door saying “love me as I am, accept these bags, and me”. Honey, that’s not fair. That’s not fair to your future lover nor is it to you. Why not take time out for yourself? Why haven’t you taken the time to just love you? People, we must love to learn ourselves first before we can fully have someone love us. The fear of being alone is so heavy nowadays. Being alone is a beautiful thing, trust me. It makes you more beautiful, stronger and easier for the perfect person to love you completely.
After a breakup, everyone has their advice on how long you should be single. How long before the divorce is over should you, remarry. Ask your friends, ask your relatives, pretty much everyone’s answer would be different. After my 8 year relationship ended it took me 6 months to fully be happy with me. Every weekend I did something for me, reading, shopping, my hair, nails, movies, etc. Maybe it’d be sooner for you, or longer, that’s just the time I needed for me. It’s now been over a year of living by myself and I’m still noticing things about me. I realized I lost myself so much in my relationship, I didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know what shows I liked (how sad is that)? Once I moved out, a few bags were left at his front door. I no longer carried the stress and worries of his happiness. I was so set on making sure he was happy, I completely lost myself. I lost my friends (he didn’t approve of them, so I cast them aside). How could such a strong woman become so weak for a man who a few years within the relationship showed he no longer cared, but she stuck around? Yes, that was me. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make him HAPPY. But, what about ME?!?
If you’ve recently experience a breakup, maybe you’re separated. Take this time to find your strength. Go back to doing what you loved that has been in the closet collecting dust. Maybe you’re a poet? Go to a poetry reading. Maybe you’re a painter? Paint something, I’d love to see. Whatever it is, do it for you. And, it’s ok to go out alone. Dress up, take yourself to the movies, it’s ok. We don’t need that other person to make us happy; we have to find our happiness within first.
Have a wonderful week!