I met someone. He’s a great guy. He’s everything on my list and more, yet my past, I still hold on. I cannot let go of Mr. Ex. I’m angry at him for where I am placed, how can I move on? Mr. New is awesome. He treats me how I know I should be treated. Weeks in and he continues to show me my worth. Yet when I feel him trying to move closer, I push him away. I’ve thus pushed him away to a point where he is now hesitant to speak romantically to me, in fear I may run and retreat into my dark sad corner, my past. Why is letting go so hard? I’m now approaching 2yrs of being single. Sleeping around was fun and now that I’ve met someone serious, I freeze. I catch such anxiety to a point where my heart races, my palm sweats and I feel the walls collapsing upon me.
Maybe, I never took the time for me. But, I thought I did. I felt just fine. I thought I was over Mr. Ex. Wasn’t thinking of him, haven’t even spoke to him. Yet, Mr. New comes along and I’m afraid. My feelings for Mr. Ex are awoken again. Is this a defense mechanism? I am no therapist. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like I may never be ready for a relationship for I am deeply scarred. For whoever tries to get close I run the opposite direction, protection. But, is it truly protection? I keep using this excuse, but it’s just that, an excuse. Mr. New is amazing. He cooks, he cleans, he caters to my every need and he just asks that I grow emotionally with him as time progresses. Yet, I am afraid.
Why can’t I just let go of Mr. Ex and move on with my life? He was a jerk. He was an asshole. And here he is now in a relationship with the very woman he cheated on me with. Yet, I still hold on. I wake up day by day finding excuses not to give Mr. New more of me other than a night out at the movies, sex and a quiet escape before dawn breaks. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I want to cry. He deserves better, yet how can I give, when that very piece of me is missing?
Funny – I love to laugh, who doesn’t?
A kid at heart – Being an adult ALL THE TIME sucks
A little spontaneous – I’m a Capricorn, don’t freak me out
Extrovert – compliment me when I have my shy moments
Businessman – make it happen
Good with your finances – must have a budget
Have goals – always seeking growth
Knows how to wear a suit – and looks damn good in it
Honest – tell me anything, we’d bond
Loyal – No doubt
Motivator – able to push me when I’m feeling low
Open Minded – I can share my deepest thoughts with no worries
My rock – you hold me down
If you could create your next love, what would they be?
Sorry, I’ve been away for some time. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had any time to tend to the blog. Well, last night I was watching plenty specials on the year Anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. Can you believe it’s been a year? Wow.
Often times my mind drifts to where I was in my life a year or years ago. Taking this moment to reflect really helps me to see how much of a strong woman I am and truly how far I’ve come. I’d like to share my reflection moment with you, where I was two years ago during Hurricane Irene. She hit my area the night of Sunday, August 28, 2011. That calm Sunday morning Mr. Ex decided to go to work and be back early enough before Irene was due to visit. Looking back, was he really at work? Who knows, but I can remember he made it a big deal to go, when I didn’t understand. Well anyways, with Mr. Ex being at “work”, I decided to prepare for Ms. Irene’s arrival. Top on my list, candles and batteries. Of course we were bound to lose power, if someone sneezed hard enough in the neighborhood, lights out! So I made sure to stack up. After that, I went to the grocery store picked up some items (the usual water and dry snacks) and made sure my car had a full tank of gas. I made sure we were ready!
That afternoon, Mr. Ex arrived home. He noted how the bridges were closing soon and planned to go to his friend’s place in another borough. He looked at me with a straight face and said “what are you going to do”? HUH?!? My heart dropped, I struggled to swallow the lump of disappointment in my throat. My eyes darted from the candles, the flashlights, the batteries, the water, the groceries then back to him. Shocked, I stuttered “what do you mean? I’m staying here.” Now people, I’ve had some “feeling alone” moments within my relationship, but I’d say this moment is definitely within my top 3 (side mental note: maybe I should do a blog entry on my top 3).
Mr. Ex made plans for himself without including me. This sparked a HUGE argument. I was hurt. Then to throw salt in my face, he implied I could come with him. Pause, take a moment, and be in my shoes please. His friends did NOT like me. Yea, they could be cordial, but they did NOT like me. Why would I sleep at someone’s house where I was not initially thought of in the 1st place and of course do not forget did NOT like me. They thought I was this horrible crazy woman, without knowing the history that it was their “innocent” friend making me crazy. He had friends and I had lost mines at his will, how ironic is that? Anyways, back to the scene.
His independent decision, caused a major fight. Looking back, honestly I think this is what he wanted. He wanted to fight, because you know what he did? I’d let you take a moment and guess what he did…..yes, take another moment. He left! He walked out! He packed his overnight bag and walked OUT! As I’m typing this I’m trying to fight the tears coming to my eyes. This is a horrible memory. I sat on the couch counting the seconds he’d come back through that door. But, he didn’t. Instead he continued to drive, and please note the drive was 45 minutes away. He had to stop and get gas, he had to cross the bridge, he had to pay a toll. None of those moments did he bother to call me. Nor did this man even bother to turn around. He was angry (that’s what he said), but no anger in the world would make me leave someone I love alone prior to a Hurricane.
I was terrified. I sat on the couch alone and trembled. No one to hold me, no one to wipe my tears, I was alone. Hours later Irene hit, I lay in that bed crying but fighting to be strong. I broke down like a baby when the lights began to flicker, I was terrified. He left me there, a man so heartless and cold. I look back on that night and say wow, I was a strong woman. But, honestly that night I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel loved. I felt alone. Alone, just me, myself and Irene.
I’d like to call him Mr. Filler. I don’t know what else to name him, but the thought of him fulfilling my “needs” brought on the name Mr. Filler.
After gaining the strength of saving my money, finding a new place, packing up my things and actually keeping my word of moving…I was still sexually weak for my ex. It wasn’t an easy process. Someone who knew every inch of my body, I couldn’t help but find myself back in our his bed. He loved it, he loved having that control over me. He’d seduce me, and I’d forget all the crap and pain he put me through. A temporary fix. Each orgasm resulted in an emotional setback of at least 3 months for me. It was a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle only we can end for ourselves. Until then, keep repeating.
After a short period of happy releases to crazy emotional rages of “why am I so confused?!” I took some sexual time off. It was hard. Trust me, I gained enough points off my credit card from all the battery purchases. I needed a Filler. I needed someone to fulfill only one role. But, I was not ready to meet anyone new, invest the time and effort into getting to know them. That’s a waste and definitely not fair to the other person especially if they’re in the “I’m looking for a future” phase and you’re not. This is how a lot of relationships become complicated, lack of intentions initially expressed by both partners.
Mr. Filler was a good friend of mines. Actually, I’d known him longer than Mr. Ex. We never slept together, never even entertained the idea, prior to, we were just that, friends.
Mr. Filler was great. He was spontaneous, exciting, invigorating. I LOVED our sexual escapades. His touches, his kisses, the positions he twisted me in, had me wanting more. I was addicted. He was addicted. We were on fire. Mentally, I gained so much confidence from it. I only knew how to please my ex, so honestly I was VERY nervous. But when Mr. Filler climaxed and curled up like a baby, I mentally walked in front of the mirror and shouted “FUCK YEA!” Those moments made me stronger. Those moments made me value me a little bit more.
Mr. Filler not only released my sexual tension but he also released one of my greatest fears. We all have this “fear” and often times it prevents us from moving onto something new. The “we’ve been together for [insert] years, how could I find anyone to know me, want me, love me like my ex” fear. I’m happy I got over it. Mr. Filler was just a stop along the journey for me, nothing more, nothing less. For that moment, those batteries sat in the drawer, there were no weekend Dollar Tree visits.
15 months ago, I walked away from a toxic, draining, exhausting relationship. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 8 yrs together, 5 under the same roof, 2 engaged, and plenty time in between planning our future. But like many relationships, things took a turn. And it continued to turn to turn and turn. 2 yrs prior to leaving, we became “roommates.” Not by my choice, but his. Yet, I stuck around. I waited for him to change, maybe if I just didn’t cry or wine so much, he’d love me more, so I thought. 2 yrs, 24 months, my self-esteem deteriorated slowly. I became depressed. I began to ask him for affection. What woman walks to a man and asks him “can I have a kiss” or “can I have a hug.” My soul, my heart, my love, my knowingly worth, shattered. Yet, I still hung on a little longer. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we hang into these toxic relationships, all the while knowing that they’re completely unhealthy for us? He showed plenty signs, I ignored them, I made up excuses. “Girl, why are you guys ROOMMATES?” “Well, he just needs time.” Man! Looking back, I was really a fool, but I was so IN that I didn’t see myself with anyone else. I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of the unknown.
He didn’t want the relationship anymore and as time dragged along, neither did I. But, neither of us made the effort to move. We fought, we fought, yes we fought. I would scream at him if he wasn’t happy, why wouldn’t he leave, all the time feeling exactly the same inside. It took 2 yrs of such a detrimental relationship for me to get the courage to leave. Honestly, I’m not sure how I did it, because all the time, through that process I was afraid. And prior to moving I cried for months straight, after I left I cried plenty more. He didn’t come after me. He didn’t cry for me to come back, what did that mean? Why do we hang onto something that’s just no longer meant for us to be there? I walked away, trust me, it wasn’t easy, but I walked away. Today, 15 months later, I’m happier than I was 8 yrs ago. I can’t believe it, words cannot describe it. But I had to walk away from the toxic relationship. I had to find the strength to love me more.