Relationships

SMILE

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MY EYES WERE BARELY OPEN. THE FIRST THING THAT LEFT MY LIPS AS I LAYED IN MY BED, IS GOD PLEASE ENDOW ME. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING TODAY.I WOKE UP THANKFUL FOR LIFE. I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING I HAVNT FELT IN MONTHS. THAT WAS HAPPY. NOT THE HAPPY WE PUT ON FOR OTHERS WHEN WE ARE GOING THREW IT.  I WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I DIDNT WANT TO GO THREW THE DAY TAKING DEEP BREATHS JUST TO FIGHT BACK RANDOM TEARS. TEARS THAT CAME WITHOUT A THOUGHT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR BUT YET THE THOUGHT OF HIM WAS OUTWEIGHING ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WERE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I JUST WANTED ONE HAPPY DAY FOR ME NOT FOR THEM NOT FOR HIM. I WANTED TO SMILE CAUSE I AM STILL GOING. I AM FIGHTING THREW IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID MORE THAN SMILE TODAY. I LAUGHED I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE. IT FELT SO GOOD.

 

 

SMILE FOR YOURSELF TODAY.

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That Moment….For You

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One of our biggest mistakes once a relationship ends is not taking the time out for ourselves before we jump into another commitment. Often times the thought of being alone is frightening. We don’t take that moment to get to know ourselves, to date ourselves, to just find out what we like and don’t like.

Have you felt that the last few relationships have consisted of the same “drama”? The same heartaches? The same tears? Well, ask yourself have you even taken the time to destroy your own baggage? The baggage you’ve carried from one relationship to the next. This so-called baggage, consistently becoming heavier and heavier as you move from one lover to another.  What are you carrying with you and why? If you have old issues (not new issues), you have to face those before willing to commit with someone else. Is it fair to ask them to not only love you but love your baggage too? Yes, love your baggage too!! If you’re carrying all this behind you, you’re basically standing at someone’s door saying “love me as I am, accept these bags, and me”. Honey, that’s not fair. That’s not fair to your future lover nor is it to you. Why not take time out for yourself? Why haven’t you taken the time to just love you? People, we must love to learn ourselves first before we can fully have someone love us.  The fear of being alone is so heavy nowadays.  Being alone is a beautiful thing, trust me. It makes you more beautiful, stronger and easier for the perfect person to love you completely.

After a breakup, everyone has their advice on how long you should be single. How long before the divorce is over should you, remarry. Ask your friends, ask your relatives, pretty much everyone’s answer would be different. After my 8 year relationship ended it took me 6 months to fully be happy with me.  Every weekend I did something for me, reading, shopping, my hair, nails, movies, etc.  Maybe it’d be sooner for you, or longer, that’s just the time I needed for me.  It’s now been over a year of living by myself and I’m still noticing things about me. I realized I lost myself so much in my relationship, I didn’t know me anymore. I didn’t know what shows I liked (how sad is that)? Once I moved out, a few bags were left at his front door. I no longer carried the stress and worries of his happiness. I was so set on making sure he was happy, I completely lost myself. I lost my friends (he didn’t approve of them, so I cast them aside). How could such a strong woman become so weak for a man who a few years within the relationship showed he no longer cared, but she stuck around? Yes, that was me. I just couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make him HAPPY.  But, what about ME?!?

If you’ve recently experience a breakup, maybe you’re separated. Take this time to find your strength. Go back to doing what you loved that has been in the closet collecting dust. Maybe you’re a poet? Go to a poetry reading. Maybe you’re a painter? Paint something, I’d love to see. Whatever it is, do it for you. And, it’s ok to go out alone. Dress up, take yourself to the movies, it’s ok. We don’t need that other person to make us happy; we have to find our happiness within first.

Have a wonderful week!

Making That Walk

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WALKING AWAY IS DEFINITELY EASIER SAID THAN DONE. AS MUCH AS WE KNOW THAT THE SITUATION WE ARE IN IS UNHEALTHY AND TOXIC.WHY DO WE GET THE FEELING AS IF WE MADE THE WRONG DECISION WHEN WE DECIDE TO WALK AWAY. WE SECOND GUESS WHAT WE KNOW IS RIGHT. WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE RIGHT CHOICES. WHY DON’T WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE UNHEALTHY CHOICES. WE DIVE HEART FIRST & THINK ABOUT IT AFTER THE FACT. EVERYTHING BAD MAKES US FEEL SO GOOD. SHIT, WELL AT LEAST IT DOES TO ME. AS MUCH AS I KNOW SOMEONE IS NO GOOD FOR ME, IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAY EVEN MORE.BUT WE NEED TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY.

SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.THEY COME BACK STRONG.OF COURSE WE GET WEAK. THEN IT FEELS GOOD FOR AWHILE. YOU START SEEING ALL THE REASONS WHY YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM. THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT IS BACK TO THE SAME OLD THING.THEN YOUR ASKING YOURSELF WHY? WHAT HAPPENED.

THEN YOU HAVE THE TIMES WHERE YOU WALK AWAY.BUT WHEN THEY COMEBACK, YOU TURN AWAY.YOU FIND THAT STRENGTH. SOMETIMES IT HURTS,HELL MOST TIMES IT DOES HURT.BUT THERE’S NO WAY IT WILL WORK. AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THEM YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO LETS GO AND LETS GO FOR GOOD. THAT MEANS SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. SWOLLEN EYES FROM CRYING OVER THE SIMPLEST THINGS. THINGS THAT DON’T EVEN RELATES TO THEM. YOU START TO SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING YOU DID DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER.

WHAT YOU COULD OF DONE BETTER.HOW COULD YOU HAVE CHANGED SO THE RELATIONSHIP COULD OF WORKED.IN REALITY YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDED TO CHANGE.YOU MAY NOT HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT.BUT YOU DIDNT DO EVERYTHING WRONG.SHIT IT IS NOT ALWAYS ALL YOUR FAULT.WE USUALLY PUT ALL THE BLAME ON OURSELVES.

ONLY BECAUSE WE DON’T EVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.WE MAY NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.

WHAT BROUGHT THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN. IT WAS NOT ONLY YOU.WE SURELY FEEL LIKE WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE SUFFERING. IN REALITY SOMETIMES THEY JUST DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. CAUSE IN THEIR HEADS ITS BEEN OVER, AND IT WAS A RELIEF FOR THEM WHEN YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE.

ON THE OTHER HAND YOU DO HAVE THOSE WHO ACTUALLY CARE AND IS HURTING AS WELL.BUT OF COURSE THEIR PRIDE WONT LET THEM SHOW IT. THEY GO ON WITH LIFE BURNING ON THE INSIDE, AND ON THE OUTSIDE THEY ARE ABLE TO LIVE LIKE AS IF NOTHING IS EVEN WRONG……

SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN

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IT WAS HARD TO DECIDE WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT FIRST. I WAS ALWAYS HESITANT ON WRITING ABOUT STORIES OF MY LIFE. I FIGURED MOST PPL MIGHT SHARE IN THE SAME EXPERIENCES I HAVE. SO WHAT THE HELL,HERE IT GOES ENJOY!

SLEEPING WITH A MARRIED MAN

I KNOW I KNOW. YOU READ THE TOPIC AND THOUGHT WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL. WELL I WILL TELL A LOT OF THINGS IS WRONG WITH ALL OF US. SO DONT BE SO QUICK TO JUDGE. FROM THE DAY I SAW THIS MAN I KNEW HE WAS TROUBLE. I KEPT MY DISTANCE THE BEST I CAN AND FOR AS LONG AS I COULD.  THATS WHAT ATTRACTED HIM EVEN MORE TO ME. ALMOST EVERYMAN LUVS A CHASE. I REALLY SHOULD SAY EVERY MAN LOVES A CHASE. SO DO MOST WOMEN. I WOULD SAY I LUV A CHASE BUT I DONT. ITS EITHER YOUR INTERESTED OR YOUR NOT.

ANYWAY, MR.BLUE (MARRIED GUYS ALIAS) AND I BECAME THE BEST OF FRIENDS. WE STARTED DOING EVERYTHING TOGETHER. WE WORKED,ATE,STUDIED AND BEST OF ALL WORKED OUT TOGETHER. WHEN THE FRIENDSHIP STARTED HE HAD THE PERFECT MARRIAGE NO COMPLAINTS, TALKED SO HIGHLY ABOUT HIS WIFE. WHEN HE STARTED TO GROW FEELINGS FOR ME HIS RELATIONSHIP TURNED INTO THE MARRIAGE FROM HELL. ALL THE PROBLEMS THEY HAD BEEN GOING THREW BEFORE HE MET ME HAD SURFACED. BUT HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING ALL ALONG. THAT IS WHAT MADE ME FALL FOR HIM.

THE AFFAIR BEGAN. IT WENT ON FOR MONTHS. OF COURSE HE CONSTANTLY TOLD ME HE WAS LEAVING AND OF COURSE I BELIEVED HIM.  THIS RELATIONSHIP TOOK A TOLL ON ME AND I COULDN’T HANDLE IT.I WAS STRUGGLING WITH IT MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. I FINALLY BUILT UP THE STRENGTH TO END THINGS. MONTHS AFTER WE STOP TALKING I FOUND OUT HIS WIFE HAD GIVEN BIRTH TO THEIR SECOND CHILD. WHEN A MUTUAL FRIEND HAD TOLD ME MY KNEES BUCKLED. I WAS MORTIFIED AND FELT EVEN MORE DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF.

DID I GET OVER THE SITUATION? HELLS TO THE YEA I DID.