Numb Feelings


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It’s been two years and I am still questioning love. Does it really exist between a man and a woman. Can you commit yourself fully to one person and not desire another? It’s been two years and that doubt still is in my heart . I’m unwilling to trust that word love when it rolls off the tongue of a man. A man that I have shared myself with in every way possible (physically, spiritually and emotionally). They say all men lie I don’t believe that. They just  never tell the whole story. So technically they aren’t lying.They call it sparing our feelings. They feel if they tell us the truth we may fall apart. So why love me and have truths that can cause me to hate you. How do you love someone and tear them down. How is that love? I always ask myself why me? Why did he choose to fall in love with me? What is it that he loves? Why not her? Why me? I doubt love. I doubt honesty. I doubt commitment.



I wish I could love you: Frozen

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You speak so freely of this love

You have for me

Words creatively entwined

Letter to letter

I watch your lips move as you

Describe this “love”

Your eyes, as crystal

As the ocean

Yet here I stand amongst you


I’m sorry

I wish I could mirror the harmonizing words

You so bravely speak to me


I am broken

I am damaged

I am unable to free this weight keeping me

As I lift my feet

This “love” I long to reciprocate

But today

I am frozen





The Motions

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He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love  for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.


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I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back


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Right now

Emotionless….Numb…..I can see the tears falling from my face and landing so softly on the ground.I just can’t understand what is happening. My mind stopped thinking.My heart stop beating. Yet the tears kept falling.What was happening. My body got tired. Tired of feeling… Hurting…Weeping…Worrying… My body was crying out for me emotionally. I have lost sight of myself. I no longer understood. I didn’t care if my brain didn’t want to playback the unwanted memories.I didn’t mind that my body shut down cause it was tired of being abused. Crazy thing is I was the abuser. I lost sight. I had no more explanations for myself. My body was crying out for me. The only thing is I had given so much of me away, I had nothing left for myself.