Shifting in a bed full of pillows
I can feel the feathers as they lay just beneath my chin
Mozart in the background, sheets the scent of Tide
My ear rings, my noise twitches, yet I refuse to open my eyes
Stay just a little longer, with me
Bits of dreams, like a family gathering,
It’s only just a “visit”
Soon little by little the pillows will clump
The tide would transcend to an unwelcome stench
And Mozart would get drained out by the sound of rushing feet
The impatient cars as their horns and their breaks speak
Another memory diminished by the busyness of 15th street
I release my sealed shut eyes
And face what one calls “reality”
But this, this is not “REAL” to me
This is not where I am supposed to be
THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT ONCE WAS GRANTED TO ME
MY GOD! Why have I been a victim to this circumstance?
I walk into church for guidance, for love, for support
Yet some members refuse to hold my hand
Turn up their nose, whisper, scoot to the side
As I walk down, just to kneel upon YOU Lord
As I pray, and pray and pray tears stream down my brown cheeks
I am a strong man, I refuse to allow
A cup and coins
To Own ME
I am torn
you are my cancer
yet I think of you more
conflictions within I
unable to delete your voice
from this mind of mines
I am my enemy
you are my disease
yet I walk into your grasp
mentally unable to release
these emotional binds you
have upon me
I lose sleep
He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.
I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back
So this past Saturday night, I took myself out to dinner for the first time. I initially planned to do dinner and movies but by the time my check was paid I had already missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, (oh well, maybe next week). This was a very hard task for me. I decided to eat at Chili’s (one of my favorite restaurants) and I picked a late time of 9:30pm. Somehow I figured the later the better LOL. Well, my mistake, Chili’s was still crowded on a Saturday night! What the hell was I thinking?!? (Insert shame face here)
As I turned into the parking lot there were so many cars, so many people. I could feel my heart racing. Honestly, that very moment, I felt so alone. I could feel the tears making way to my eyes. A young woman dining alone, who does that? What am I doing? Am I crazy? I should just leave. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind which only caused me to sit in my car a little longer. I couldn’t do it. McDonalds drive thru was looking mighty inviting to me. That golden arch never shined so bright.
Happy New Year my loves!
When the year hit, as people were dancing, smiling and kissing, I was thinking. I had a million thoughts taking over. I moved from an 8yr relationship in 2012, and it finally hit me I did most of my living for that man. I could tell you all his dreams, his desires, his bucket list, ask me mines, and I freeze up.
A young single professional woman, at 11:59pm on December 31st 2013, I found myself asking “what’s next?” 2013, I had it all planned. It was my year to get my financials in order. I paid off debt, built my credit and saved plenty. So, what should I do this year? I realized when you’re in a relationship, your friends and family kind of have things planned for you, “so when’s the wedding”, “so when are you guys going to have kids”, “so, when’s the next child?” When you’re single with no kids, people look at you like you’re this weird, lonely sad being LOL. Especially the older you are. Well, I’ll take weird (I do random singing and dancing lol) but not lonely nor sad.
At this point, I should have been engaged (I was), married (sorry he was a bum so I moved) or someone’s mom (well I have a niece and a nephew). Honestly, I don’t know what’s next for me. As an analytical, over planning, over thinking woman, when I think about 2014, I honestly get stressed out. So I figured this year, I’m just going to focus on being happy, enjoying my youth and making memories. If spontaneous trips to other counties makes me happy, then so be it! Why should I have everything PLANNED out?! I’m tired of planning. I’m tired of making these “lists”. I just need a mental break.
Since, I moved I’ve been so hard on myself proving that I could do it all on my own. Well! Look at me NOW! I didn’t think I’d be here, but I came far! 2012 when that year hit, I was fighting with Mr. Ex, tears streaming down my face as I heard voices in the background shouting “10, 9, 8…” Yea, so I definitely don’t’ want to go back there. I’m very proud of where I am now.
So I think this year, I’m taking a break. I’ll continue to save and maybe next year buy my 1st house, or maybe I’d sale my things and backpack through Europe. Who knows? I don’t know LOL.
Let’s get ready to make 2014 rock! 🙂
MY EYES WERE BARELY OPEN. THE FIRST THING THAT LEFT MY LIPS AS I LAYED IN MY BED, IS GOD PLEASE ENDOW ME. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING TODAY.I WOKE UP THANKFUL FOR LIFE. I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING I HAVNT FELT IN MONTHS. THAT WAS HAPPY. NOT THE HAPPY WE PUT ON FOR OTHERS WHEN WE ARE GOING THREW IT. I WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I DIDNT WANT TO GO THREW THE DAY TAKING DEEP BREATHS JUST TO FIGHT BACK RANDOM TEARS. TEARS THAT CAME WITHOUT A THOUGHT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR BUT YET THE THOUGHT OF HIM WAS OUTWEIGHING ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WERE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I JUST WANTED ONE HAPPY DAY FOR ME NOT FOR THEM NOT FOR HIM. I WANTED TO SMILE CAUSE I AM STILL GOING. I AM FIGHTING THREW IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID MORE THAN SMILE TODAY. I LAUGHED I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE. IT FELT SO GOOD.
SMILE FOR YOURSELF TODAY.