The aftermath stories have me kicking myself for every time I went back. Every time I crawled into his bed believing that maybe he would change his mind. When there was someone who was already on his mind. Someone who was there to give everything I thought I was giving. Even though he constantly reminded me that it was nothing. Deep down I knew it was something. I thought the LOVE would save us. Lol, their I go with that love thing. It didn’t exist. He was over me before I was gone. He had someone new before he made his decision. It made it so much easier to leave without a word or goodbye. I shed tears because I think how foolish of me. You allowed yet another one to fool you.
I met someone. He’s a great guy. He’s everything on my list and more, yet my past, I still hold on. I cannot let go of Mr. Ex. I’m angry at him for where I am placed, how can I move on? Mr. New is awesome. He treats me how I know I should be treated. Weeks in and he continues to show me my worth. Yet when I feel him trying to move closer, I push him away. I’ve thus pushed him away to a point where he is now hesitant to speak romantically to me, in fear I may run and retreat into my dark sad corner, my past. Why is letting go so hard? I’m now approaching 2yrs of being single. Sleeping around was fun and now that I’ve met someone serious, I freeze. I catch such anxiety to a point where my heart races, my palm sweats and I feel the walls collapsing upon me.
Maybe, I never took the time for me. But, I thought I did. I felt just fine. I thought I was over Mr. Ex. Wasn’t thinking of him, haven’t even spoke to him. Yet, Mr. New comes along and I’m afraid. My feelings for Mr. Ex are awoken again. Is this a defense mechanism? I am no therapist. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like I may never be ready for a relationship for I am deeply scarred. For whoever tries to get close I run the opposite direction, protection. But, is it truly protection? I keep using this excuse, but it’s just that, an excuse. Mr. New is amazing. He cooks, he cleans, he caters to my every need and he just asks that I grow emotionally with him as time progresses. Yet, I am afraid.
Why can’t I just let go of Mr. Ex and move on with my life? He was a jerk. He was an asshole. And here he is now in a relationship with the very woman he cheated on me with. Yet, I still hold on. I wake up day by day finding excuses not to give Mr. New more of me other than a night out at the movies, sex and a quiet escape before dawn breaks. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I want to cry. He deserves better, yet how can I give, when that very piece of me is missing?
“I miss you”, a text I received from a familiar number. I had deleted his information from my phone, but I knew who it was. I knew he was trying to be back into my life. I knew he would probably bring me in close and hurt my feelings once again. I knew he was trouble. Mmmm but trouble excites me, it arouses me as if I’m just about to reach that moment of eruption. That very moment when I cannot control the forces around me nor within me, but I smile in pain. I smile in pleasure.
This time I am ready. I am ready for war. I am ready for his games. His sex is good, but mine is better. This time, I’d make him want me more, make him beg for the softness of my lips. Make a tear fall from his brown eye. Then, just then, I’d get up, pull down my skirt and walk out. As I shut the door, whisper “miss this m*****f***er”.
9:23 AM and I am up eating cookies for breakfast. Ah, this morning I feel good. These past few days I was feeling a little low, a little emotionally drained. Sometimes I get like that and have no absolute explanation for it. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself, to myself and shut down from the rest of the world. I consider taking a step back from this chaotic world rather healthy. Work, people, friends, lovers, can often times drain the hell out of you. As long as one is not “stuck” I guess, not going deep into this dark corner and creating a home there.
When I feel myself building a “home”, I try to wake myself up, pick myself up, maybe listen to some happy, upbeat tunes. I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling down, I find myself watching, reading, listening to depressing shit. I don’t know how the hell that happens. Anyways, so here I am this morning feeling rather fine. But I have no explanation for this feeling this morning either. I’m bobbing my head to Whitney Houston munching on some soft sweet cookies. Mmmmm the music, the cookies, I don’t know but today, I’m happy.
So this past Saturday night, I took myself out to dinner for the first time. I initially planned to do dinner and movies but by the time my check was paid I had already missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, (oh well, maybe next week). This was a very hard task for me. I decided to eat at Chili’s (one of my favorite restaurants) and I picked a late time of 9:30pm. Somehow I figured the later the better LOL. Well, my mistake, Chili’s was still crowded on a Saturday night! What the hell was I thinking?!? (Insert shame face here)
As I turned into the parking lot there were so many cars, so many people. I could feel my heart racing. Honestly, that very moment, I felt so alone. I could feel the tears making way to my eyes. A young woman dining alone, who does that? What am I doing? Am I crazy? I should just leave. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind which only caused me to sit in my car a little longer. I couldn’t do it. McDonalds drive thru was looking mighty inviting to me. That golden arch never shined so bright.
I’m missing this guy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why am I missing him? I shouldn’t be missing him. Is it cause I’m not dealing with anyone at the moment? Does this make him my “go to” guy when I’m bored? Or do I truly miss him? My busy world has halted. Was everyone else just distractions? Why am I wishing he was here?
I want to call. I want to text. But, I’m hesitant. He’s not good for me. He’s not meant for me. I am confused. Unable to shake these thoughts. I cannot sleep.
I met him the night of his birthday at a local bar. He was sexy, tall, dark skinned, had a Caribbean accent and a gorgeous enchanting smile. We ditched our friends and hung out all night in our own little corner. Drinks, dancing, laughter, it was a dreamy night. After a few Tequila shots I had to leave early due to morning obligations, I felt pretty bummed (sometimes being a grown up sucks) I wanted to stay. Well, he had my number.
I didn’t reach home before my phone chimed, it was Mr. Unavailable. Three O’clock in the morning, empty streets, quiet car, I was smiling and screaming like a tipsy school girl. I was happy. I was excited. It felt nice to meet someone new and to be pursued. I felt wanted. I felt powerful.
Weeks in, we spoke every day, every lunch break, every night before bed. We spoke of our dreams and our fears. I felt as if I was floating, as if everything just flowed through my skin. I was light, I was happy, I was fresh. I was on cloud 9. Our first time kissing lasted for what felt like hours. I do believe I slept with him way too soon, maybe I should have done the 90 day rule (hmmm). Side note: I’m so waiting a few dates before sex even comes into play with the next guy.