I am torn
you are my cancer
yet I think of you more
conflictions within I
unable to delete your voice
from this mind of mines
I am my enemy
you are my disease
yet I walk into your grasp
mentally unable to release
these emotional binds you
have upon me
I lose sleep
He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.
I’m missing this guy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Why am I missing him? I shouldn’t be missing him. Is it cause I’m not dealing with anyone at the moment? Does this make him my “go to” guy when I’m bored? Or do I truly miss him? My busy world has halted. Was everyone else just distractions? Why am I wishing he was here?
I want to call. I want to text. But, I’m hesitant. He’s not good for me. He’s not meant for me. I am confused. Unable to shake these thoughts. I cannot sleep.
Exhausted, deprived, sucked dry
I’ve lived, I’m living
Yet I’m not alive
You next to me, I’m suffocated
Unable to breath, unable to think
Unable to smile, unable to laugh
Existing, merely existing
Within a relationship
Within a marriage
Without the merry
Within a house
Without a home…..
I am alone
Yes, I am alone
I am alone when you are beside me
I am alone
when you are
Motionless making without the love
Legs only opened for the sake
Unable to enjoy you
I am dry
Tears streaming, I close my eyes
Again, I am existing
Within an empty room
Body flipped, twisted within positions
I cannot suppress this
I cannot support this
Sanctioning the little air you’ve given me
My inner voice grasps
I cannot do this
stripped of its shine
I open my eyes
I’ve opened my eyes
I am more than this
Who wants to just exist?
I am more than this
Giving you what you need
I lose more of me
Fraction of a fraction of a fraction
I become less of me
I AM MORE THAN THIS
I’d like to call him Mr. Filler. I don’t know what else to name him, but the thought of him fulfilling my “needs” brought on the name Mr. Filler.
After gaining the strength of saving my money, finding a new place, packing up my things and actually keeping my word of moving…I was still sexually weak for my ex. It wasn’t an easy process. Someone who knew every inch of my body, I couldn’t help but find myself back in our his bed. He loved it, he loved having that control over me. He’d seduce me, and I’d forget all the crap and pain he put me through. A temporary fix. Each orgasm resulted in an emotional setback of at least 3 months for me. It was a vicious cycle. A vicious cycle only we can end for ourselves. Until then, keep repeating.
After a short period of happy releases to crazy emotional rages of “why am I so confused?!” I took some sexual time off. It was hard. Trust me, I gained enough points off my credit card from all the battery purchases. I needed a Filler. I needed someone to fulfill only one role. But, I was not ready to meet anyone new, invest the time and effort into getting to know them. That’s a waste and definitely not fair to the other person especially if they’re in the “I’m looking for a future” phase and you’re not. This is how a lot of relationships become complicated, lack of intentions initially expressed by both partners.
Mr. Filler was a good friend of mines. Actually, I’d known him longer than Mr. Ex. We never slept together, never even entertained the idea, prior to, we were just that, friends.
Mr. Filler was great. He was spontaneous, exciting, invigorating. I LOVED our sexual escapades. His touches, his kisses, the positions he twisted me in, had me wanting more. I was addicted. He was addicted. We were on fire. Mentally, I gained so much confidence from it. I only knew how to please my ex, so honestly I was VERY nervous. But when Mr. Filler climaxed and curled up like a baby, I mentally walked in front of the mirror and shouted “FUCK YEA!” Those moments made me stronger. Those moments made me value me a little bit more.
Mr. Filler not only released my sexual tension but he also released one of my greatest fears. We all have this “fear” and often times it prevents us from moving onto something new. The “we’ve been together for [insert] years, how could I find anyone to know me, want me, love me like my ex” fear. I’m happy I got over it. Mr. Filler was just a stop along the journey for me, nothing more, nothing less. For that moment, those batteries sat in the drawer, there were no weekend Dollar Tree visits.
15 months ago, I walked away from a toxic, draining, exhausting relationship. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. 8 yrs together, 5 under the same roof, 2 engaged, and plenty time in between planning our future. But like many relationships, things took a turn. And it continued to turn to turn and turn. 2 yrs prior to leaving, we became “roommates.” Not by my choice, but his. Yet, I stuck around. I waited for him to change, maybe if I just didn’t cry or wine so much, he’d love me more, so I thought. 2 yrs, 24 months, my self-esteem deteriorated slowly. I became depressed. I began to ask him for affection. What woman walks to a man and asks him “can I have a kiss” or “can I have a hug.” My soul, my heart, my love, my knowingly worth, shattered. Yet, I still hung on a little longer. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we hang into these toxic relationships, all the while knowing that they’re completely unhealthy for us? He showed plenty signs, I ignored them, I made up excuses. “Girl, why are you guys ROOMMATES?” “Well, he just needs time.” Man! Looking back, I was really a fool, but I was so IN that I didn’t see myself with anyone else. I was afraid to leave. I was afraid to be alone. I was afraid of the unknown.
He didn’t want the relationship anymore and as time dragged along, neither did I. But, neither of us made the effort to move. We fought, we fought, yes we fought. I would scream at him if he wasn’t happy, why wouldn’t he leave, all the time feeling exactly the same inside. It took 2 yrs of such a detrimental relationship for me to get the courage to leave. Honestly, I’m not sure how I did it, because all the time, through that process I was afraid. And prior to moving I cried for months straight, after I left I cried plenty more. He didn’t come after me. He didn’t cry for me to come back, what did that mean? Why do we hang onto something that’s just no longer meant for us to be there? I walked away, trust me, it wasn’t easy, but I walked away. Today, 15 months later, I’m happier than I was 8 yrs ago. I can’t believe it, words cannot describe it. But I had to walk away from the toxic relationship. I had to find the strength to love me more.
WALKING AWAY IS DEFINITELY EASIER SAID THAN DONE. AS MUCH AS WE KNOW THAT THE SITUATION WE ARE IN IS UNHEALTHY AND TOXIC.WHY DO WE GET THE FEELING AS IF WE MADE THE WRONG DECISION WHEN WE DECIDE TO WALK AWAY. WE SECOND GUESS WHAT WE KNOW IS RIGHT. WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE RIGHT CHOICES. WHY DON’T WE SECOND GUESS ALL THE UNHEALTHY CHOICES. WE DIVE HEART FIRST & THINK ABOUT IT AFTER THE FACT. EVERYTHING BAD MAKES US FEEL SO GOOD. SHIT, WELL AT LEAST IT DOES TO ME. AS MUCH AS I KNOW SOMEONE IS NO GOOD FOR ME, IT MAKES ME WANT TO STAY EVEN MORE.BUT WE NEED TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO WALK AWAY.
SOMETIMES THEY COME BACK.THEY COME BACK STRONG.OF COURSE WE GET WEAK. THEN IT FEELS GOOD FOR AWHILE. YOU START SEEING ALL THE REASONS WHY YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH THEM. THEN BEFORE YOU KNOW IT IS BACK TO THE SAME OLD THING.THEN YOUR ASKING YOURSELF WHY? WHAT HAPPENED.
THEN YOU HAVE THE TIMES WHERE YOU WALK AWAY.BUT WHEN THEY COMEBACK, YOU TURN AWAY.YOU FIND THAT STRENGTH. SOMETIMES IT HURTS,HELL MOST TIMES IT DOES HURT.BUT THERE’S NO WAY IT WILL WORK. AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE THEM YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE WHO LETS GO AND LETS GO FOR GOOD. THAT MEANS SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. SWOLLEN EYES FROM CRYING OVER THE SIMPLEST THINGS. THINGS THAT DON’T EVEN RELATES TO THEM. YOU START TO SECOND GUESS EVERYTHING YOU DID DURING YOUR TIME TOGETHER.
WHAT YOU COULD OF DONE BETTER.HOW COULD YOU HAVE CHANGED SO THE RELATIONSHIP COULD OF WORKED.IN REALITY YOUR NOT THE ONE WHO NEEDED TO CHANGE.YOU MAY NOT HAVE DONE EVERYTHING RIGHT.BUT YOU DIDNT DO EVERYTHING WRONG.SHIT IT IS NOT ALWAYS ALL YOUR FAULT.WE USUALLY PUT ALL THE BLAME ON OURSELVES.
ONLY BECAUSE WE DON’T EVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.WE MAY NEVER FULLY UNDERSTAND.
WHAT BROUGHT THE RELATIONSHIP TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN. IT WAS NOT ONLY YOU.WE SURELY FEEL LIKE WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ARE SUFFERING. IN REALITY SOMETIMES THEY JUST DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. CAUSE IN THEIR HEADS ITS BEEN OVER, AND IT WAS A RELIEF FOR THEM WHEN YOU DECIDED TO LEAVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND YOU DO HAVE THOSE WHO ACTUALLY CARE AND IS HURTING AS WELL.BUT OF COURSE THEIR PRIDE WONT LET THEM SHOW IT. THEY GO ON WITH LIFE BURNING ON THE INSIDE, AND ON THE OUTSIDE THEY ARE ABLE TO LIVE LIKE AS IF NOTHING IS EVEN WRONG……