Growth

HAVE YOU EVER?

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Have you ever started writing a poem with a meaning in mind then as you go along realize the meaning of the poem has somehow transitioned to something else? And you’re reading it like how the hell did that happen?!?

Well,

I started writing about not being happy but trying to carry on as you are and wishing someone would notice and call you out. Somehow, along the way my poem turned into me having feelings for a friend (which I think I’m starting to like Mr. Filler) anyways now I’m stumped lol. Should I continue with what I started with or go along with what my mind is making me?! Ugh! and I don’t know why I’m catching feelings for Mr. Filler! We’ve been friends for soooo many years and now I want to all of a sudden start really liking him?!? How dare I?!

Here’s the beginning of my poem titled “Inside”….if you want to add a few lines, go ahead. Maybe you could help me with my direction lol. Happy Thursday loves!!

I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THESE FEELINGS

WITHIN ME

BUT BEHIND MY SHYNESS

I HIDE

I DUCK BEHIND

MY OWN SHADOW

WISH YOU COULD LOOK PAST MY SMILE

AND SEE THE HURT IN MY EYES

SEE MY EMOTIONAL BATTLE

-SilentlyBliss

15th street

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Shifting in a bed full of pillows

I can feel the feathers as they lay just beneath my chin

Mozart in the background, sheets the scent of Tide

My ear rings, my noise twitches, yet I refuse to open my eyes

Stay just a little longer, with me

Bits of dreams, like a family gathering,

It’s only just a “visit”

Soon little by little the pillows will clump

The tide would transcend to an unwelcome stench

And Mozart would get drained out by the sound of rushing feet

The impatient cars as their horns and their breaks speak

Another memory diminished by the busyness of 15th street

I release my sealed shut eyes

And face what one calls “reality”

But this, this is not “REAL” to me

This is not where I am supposed to be

THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT ONCE WAS GRANTED  TO ME

MY GOD! Why have I been a victim to this circumstance?

I walk into church for guidance, for love, for support

Yet some members refuse to hold my hand

Turn up their nose, whisper, scoot to the side

As I walk down, just to kneel upon YOU Lord

As I pray, and pray and pray tears stream down my brown cheeks

I am a strong man, I refuse to allow

A cup and coins

To Own ME

-SilentlyBliss

I wish I could love you: Frozen

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You speak so freely of this love

You have for me

Words creatively entwined

Letter to letter

I watch your lips move as you

Describe this “love”

Your eyes, as crystal

As the ocean

Yet here I stand amongst you

Frozen

I’m sorry

I wish I could mirror the harmonizing words

You so bravely speak to me

But

I am broken

I am damaged

I am unable to free this weight keeping me

As I lift my feet

This “love” I long to reciprocate

But today

I am frozen

With

Hate

 

-SilentyBliss

EMPTY

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I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back

Table for One Please: Dining Alone

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So this past Saturday night, I took myself out to dinner for the first time. I initially planned to do dinner and movies but by the time my check was paid I had already missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, (oh well, maybe next week). This was a very hard task for me. I decided to eat at Chili’s (one of my favorite restaurants) and I picked a late time of 9:30pm. Somehow I figured the later the better LOL. Well, my mistake, Chili’s was still crowded on a Saturday night! What the hell was I thinking?!? (Insert shame face here)

As I turned into the parking lot there were so many cars, so many people. I could feel my heart racing. Honestly, that very moment, I felt so alone. I could feel the tears making way to my eyes. A young woman dining alone, who does that? What am I doing? Am I crazy? I should just leave. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind which only caused me to sit in my car a little longer. I couldn’t do it. McDonalds drive thru was looking mighty inviting to me. That golden arch never shined so bright.

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Lover vs Friend

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So I had this interesting conversation with Mr. Filler.

I’m not sure if I gave much background about Mr. Filler, but he’s my great friend. Honestly, he’s like my male best-friend, we’ve been friends for about 10yrs now (before Mr. Ex). We talk about any and everything. He’s had a grand guided tour of my dark, creepy, cold closet (or should I say closets) and he’s walked me through his. No judgments, no questions, we just talk and listen. We’ve always had great communication, I admire that about us. Well, Mr. Filler moved out from his ex the same year I did.  So for a few months, with the fear of meeting new people, dating, or contacting a nasty STD we became each other’s “sexual filler”. Our first weekend together, was exciting. Mr. Filler drove four hours to see me, I can only imagine the thoughts going through his head at the time. Well, for me so many “what if” thoughts had my nerves shot. Our first night after having sex, we just laid together. With my legs wrapped around his, we talked for hours, even about our exes and it was ok. Even after sex, as he’d seen my naked body for the first time, I remained comfortable. Read the rest of this entry »

DATING ME, LOVING ME, ALL ABOUT ME

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So, I’m working on this whole loving me process this year. After moving out from Mr. Ex, I slept around (mmm I miss Mr. Filler), dated here and there (you have yet to meet Mr. Unavailable) and worked two crazy full time jobs. I did pretty much anything to get the thought of Mr. Ex out of my head; this includes plenty high, drunken nights.  I had my year of fun, but now I feel as if I should just focus on me more. Get to know myself better, find my true happiness. Read the rest of this entry »