Have you ever started writing a poem with a meaning in mind then as you go along realize the meaning of the poem has somehow transitioned to something else? And you’re reading it like how the hell did that happen?!?
I started writing about not being happy but trying to carry on as you are and wishing someone would notice and call you out. Somehow, along the way my poem turned into me having feelings for a friend (which I think I’m starting to like Mr. Filler) anyways now I’m stumped lol. Should I continue with what I started with or go along with what my mind is making me?! Ugh! and I don’t know why I’m catching feelings for Mr. Filler! We’ve been friends for soooo many years and now I want to all of a sudden start really liking him?!? How dare I?!
Here’s the beginning of my poem titled “Inside”….if you want to add a few lines, go ahead. Maybe you could help me with my direction lol. Happy Thursday loves!!
I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THESE FEELINGS
BUT BEHIND MY SHYNESS
I DUCK BEHIND
MY OWN SHADOW
WISH YOU COULD LOOK PAST MY SMILE
AND SEE THE HURT IN MY EYES
SEE MY EMOTIONAL BATTLE
Shifting in a bed full of pillows
I can feel the feathers as they lay just beneath my chin
Mozart in the background, sheets the scent of Tide
My ear rings, my noise twitches, yet I refuse to open my eyes
Stay just a little longer, with me
Bits of dreams, like a family gathering,
It’s only just a “visit”
Soon little by little the pillows will clump
The tide would transcend to an unwelcome stench
And Mozart would get drained out by the sound of rushing feet
The impatient cars as their horns and their breaks speak
Another memory diminished by the busyness of 15th street
I release my sealed shut eyes
And face what one calls “reality”
But this, this is not “REAL” to me
This is not where I am supposed to be
THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT ONCE WAS GRANTED TO ME
MY GOD! Why have I been a victim to this circumstance?
I walk into church for guidance, for love, for support
Yet some members refuse to hold my hand
Turn up their nose, whisper, scoot to the side
As I walk down, just to kneel upon YOU Lord
As I pray, and pray and pray tears stream down my brown cheeks
I am a strong man, I refuse to allow
A cup and coins
To Own ME
You speak so freely of this love
You have for me
Words creatively entwined
Letter to letter
I watch your lips move as you
Describe this “love”
Your eyes, as crystal
As the ocean
Yet here I stand amongst you
I wish I could mirror the harmonizing words
You so bravely speak to me
I am broken
I am damaged
I am unable to free this weight keeping me
As I lift my feet
This “love” I long to reciprocate
I am frozen
I am laughing when nothing is funny. I am smiling when there is no joy. What happened to my happiness? How did I allow them to rob me of that? I am strong to so many. Yet, so weak in my own eyes. I pray every day for strength and understanding. Years have passed and yet I always smile when there is no joy. I yell at myself for always crying. I hold on to everything never letting anything go. Laughing when nothing is funny. Smiling when there’s no joy. I have been robbed of so much. Hmmm, no I wasn’t robbed. I willingly gave up my happiness so that when they smiled there was always true happiness. When they laugh that’s my joy I gave away. I have robbed myself. Now I am searching for things I willingly gave away and will never get back
So this past Saturday night, I took myself out to dinner for the first time. I initially planned to do dinner and movies but by the time my check was paid I had already missed the first 20 minutes of the movie, (oh well, maybe next week). This was a very hard task for me. I decided to eat at Chili’s (one of my favorite restaurants) and I picked a late time of 9:30pm. Somehow I figured the later the better LOL. Well, my mistake, Chili’s was still crowded on a Saturday night! What the hell was I thinking?!? (Insert shame face here)
As I turned into the parking lot there were so many cars, so many people. I could feel my heart racing. Honestly, that very moment, I felt so alone. I could feel the tears making way to my eyes. A young woman dining alone, who does that? What am I doing? Am I crazy? I should just leave. I had a million thoughts racing through my mind which only caused me to sit in my car a little longer. I couldn’t do it. McDonalds drive thru was looking mighty inviting to me. That golden arch never shined so bright.
So I had this interesting conversation with Mr. Filler.
I’m not sure if I gave much background about Mr. Filler, but he’s my great friend. Honestly, he’s like my male best-friend, we’ve been friends for about 10yrs now (before Mr. Ex). We talk about any and everything. He’s had a grand guided tour of my dark, creepy, cold closet (or should I say closets) and he’s walked me through his. No judgments, no questions, we just talk and listen. We’ve always had great communication, I admire that about us. Well, Mr. Filler moved out from his ex the same year I did. So for a few months, with the fear of meeting new people, dating, or contacting a nasty STD we became each other’s “sexual filler”. Our first weekend together, was exciting. Mr. Filler drove four hours to see me, I can only imagine the thoughts going through his head at the time. Well, for me so many “what if” thoughts had my nerves shot. Our first night after having sex, we just laid together. With my legs wrapped around his, we talked for hours, even about our exes and it was ok. Even after sex, as he’d seen my naked body for the first time, I remained comfortable. Read the rest of this entry »
So, I’m working on this whole loving me process this year. After moving out from Mr. Ex, I slept around (mmm I miss Mr. Filler), dated here and there (you have yet to meet Mr. Unavailable) and worked two crazy full time jobs. I did pretty much anything to get the thought of Mr. Ex out of my head; this includes plenty high, drunken nights. I had my year of fun, but now I feel as if I should just focus on me more. Get to know myself better, find my true happiness. Read the rest of this entry »
Happy New Year my loves!
When the year hit, as people were dancing, smiling and kissing, I was thinking. I had a million thoughts taking over. I moved from an 8yr relationship in 2012, and it finally hit me I did most of my living for that man. I could tell you all his dreams, his desires, his bucket list, ask me mines, and I freeze up.
A young single professional woman, at 11:59pm on December 31st 2013, I found myself asking “what’s next?” 2013, I had it all planned. It was my year to get my financials in order. I paid off debt, built my credit and saved plenty. So, what should I do this year? I realized when you’re in a relationship, your friends and family kind of have things planned for you, “so when’s the wedding”, “so when are you guys going to have kids”, “so, when’s the next child?” When you’re single with no kids, people look at you like you’re this weird, lonely sad being LOL. Especially the older you are. Well, I’ll take weird (I do random singing and dancing lol) but not lonely nor sad.
At this point, I should have been engaged (I was), married (sorry he was a bum so I moved) or someone’s mom (well I have a niece and a nephew). Honestly, I don’t know what’s next for me. As an analytical, over planning, over thinking woman, when I think about 2014, I honestly get stressed out. So I figured this year, I’m just going to focus on being happy, enjoying my youth and making memories. If spontaneous trips to other counties makes me happy, then so be it! Why should I have everything PLANNED out?! I’m tired of planning. I’m tired of making these “lists”. I just need a mental break.
Since, I moved I’ve been so hard on myself proving that I could do it all on my own. Well! Look at me NOW! I didn’t think I’d be here, but I came far! 2012 when that year hit, I was fighting with Mr. Ex, tears streaming down my face as I heard voices in the background shouting “10, 9, 8…” Yea, so I definitely don’t’ want to go back there. I’m very proud of where I am now.
So I think this year, I’m taking a break. I’ll continue to save and maybe next year buy my 1st house, or maybe I’d sale my things and backpack through Europe. Who knows? I don’t know LOL.
Let’s get ready to make 2014 rock! 🙂
MY EYES WERE BARELY OPEN. THE FIRST THING THAT LEFT MY LIPS AS I LAYED IN MY BED, IS GOD PLEASE ENDOW ME. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE CRYING TODAY.I WOKE UP THANKFUL FOR LIFE. I WANTED TO FEEL SOMETHING I HAVNT FELT IN MONTHS. THAT WAS HAPPY. NOT THE HAPPY WE PUT ON FOR OTHERS WHEN WE ARE GOING THREW IT. I WANTED TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. I DIDNT WANT TO GO THREW THE DAY TAKING DEEP BREATHS JUST TO FIGHT BACK RANDOM TEARS. TEARS THAT CAME WITHOUT A THOUGHT. I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR BUT YET THE THOUGHT OF HIM WAS OUTWEIGHING ALL THE GOOD THINGS THAT WERE GOING ON IN MY LIFE. I JUST WANTED ONE HAPPY DAY FOR ME NOT FOR THEM NOT FOR HIM. I WANTED TO SMILE CAUSE I AM STILL GOING. I AM FIGHTING THREW IT AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. I DID MORE THAN SMILE TODAY. I LAUGHED I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT A TEAR FELL FROM MY EYE. IT FELT SO GOOD.
SMILE FOR YOURSELF TODAY.
Sorry, I’ve been away for some time. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had any time to tend to the blog. Well, last night I was watching plenty specials on the year Anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. Can you believe it’s been a year? Wow.
Often times my mind drifts to where I was in my life a year or years ago. Taking this moment to reflect really helps me to see how much of a strong woman I am and truly how far I’ve come. I’d like to share my reflection moment with you, where I was two years ago during Hurricane Irene. She hit my area the night of Sunday, August 28, 2011. That calm Sunday morning Mr. Ex decided to go to work and be back early enough before Irene was due to visit. Looking back, was he really at work? Who knows, but I can remember he made it a big deal to go, when I didn’t understand. Well anyways, with Mr. Ex being at “work”, I decided to prepare for Ms. Irene’s arrival. Top on my list, candles and batteries. Of course we were bound to lose power, if someone sneezed hard enough in the neighborhood, lights out! So I made sure to stack up. After that, I went to the grocery store picked up some items (the usual water and dry snacks) and made sure my car had a full tank of gas. I made sure we were ready!
That afternoon, Mr. Ex arrived home. He noted how the bridges were closing soon and planned to go to his friend’s place in another borough. He looked at me with a straight face and said “what are you going to do”? HUH?!? My heart dropped, I struggled to swallow the lump of disappointment in my throat. My eyes darted from the candles, the flashlights, the batteries, the water, the groceries then back to him. Shocked, I stuttered “what do you mean? I’m staying here.” Now people, I’ve had some “feeling alone” moments within my relationship, but I’d say this moment is definitely within my top 3 (side mental note: maybe I should do a blog entry on my top 3).
Mr. Ex made plans for himself without including me. This sparked a HUGE argument. I was hurt. Then to throw salt in my face, he implied I could come with him. Pause, take a moment, and be in my shoes please. His friends did NOT like me. Yea, they could be cordial, but they did NOT like me. Why would I sleep at someone’s house where I was not initially thought of in the 1st place and of course do not forget did NOT like me. They thought I was this horrible crazy woman, without knowing the history that it was their “innocent” friend making me crazy. He had friends and I had lost mines at his will, how ironic is that? Anyways, back to the scene.
His independent decision, caused a major fight. Looking back, honestly I think this is what he wanted. He wanted to fight, because you know what he did? I’d let you take a moment and guess what he did…..yes, take another moment. He left! He walked out! He packed his overnight bag and walked OUT! As I’m typing this I’m trying to fight the tears coming to my eyes. This is a horrible memory. I sat on the couch counting the seconds he’d come back through that door. But, he didn’t. Instead he continued to drive, and please note the drive was 45 minutes away. He had to stop and get gas, he had to cross the bridge, he had to pay a toll. None of those moments did he bother to call me. Nor did this man even bother to turn around. He was angry (that’s what he said), but no anger in the world would make me leave someone I love alone prior to a Hurricane.
I was terrified. I sat on the couch alone and trembled. No one to hold me, no one to wipe my tears, I was alone. Hours later Irene hit, I lay in that bed crying but fighting to be strong. I broke down like a baby when the lights began to flicker, I was terrified. He left me there, a man so heartless and cold. I look back on that night and say wow, I was a strong woman. But, honestly that night I didn’t feel strong, I didn’t feel loved. I felt alone. Alone, just me, myself and Irene.