It’s been two years and I am still questioning love. Does it really exist between a man and a woman. Can you commit yourself fully to one person and not desire another? It’s been two years and that doubt still is in my heart . I’m unwilling to trust that word love when it rolls off the tongue of a man. A man that I have shared myself with in every way possible (physically, spiritually and emotionally). They say all men lie I don’t believe that. They just never tell the whole story. So technically they aren’t lying.They call it sparing our feelings. They feel if they tell us the truth we may fall apart. So why love me and have truths that can cause me to hate you. How do you love someone and tear them down. How is that love? I always ask myself why me? Why did he choose to fall in love with me? What is it that he loves? Why not her? Why me? I doubt love. I doubt honesty. I doubt commitment.
Why is it that the things you find out after the breakup is what tends to hurt the most? Knowing that the belief that there was truth to the situation diminishes. The light is no longer dim. My heart is pitch black. All the truth you thought was true, turned out to be a lie. Now your stuck trying to figure out was there really ever any truth at all. A question that will forever lie unanswered. It’s amazing how the word love has lost all value in my eyes. It’s been battered and abused to where hate more seems like the correct word to use to replace it. The aftermath stories allowed me to question if LOVE holds the right meaning. The aftermath stories has me questioning if TRUTH holds the right meaning. The truth was all lies and the love was hate in disguise. The Aftermath.
Have you ever started writing a poem with a meaning in mind then as you go along realize the meaning of the poem has somehow transitioned to something else? And you’re reading it like how the hell did that happen?!?
I started writing about not being happy but trying to carry on as you are and wishing someone would notice and call you out. Somehow, along the way my poem turned into me having feelings for a friend (which I think I’m starting to like Mr. Filler) anyways now I’m stumped lol. Should I continue with what I started with or go along with what my mind is making me?! Ugh! and I don’t know why I’m catching feelings for Mr. Filler! We’ve been friends for soooo many years and now I want to all of a sudden start really liking him?!? How dare I?!
Here’s the beginning of my poem titled “Inside”….if you want to add a few lines, go ahead. Maybe you could help me with my direction lol. Happy Thursday loves!!
I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THESE FEELINGS
BUT BEHIND MY SHYNESS
I DUCK BEHIND
MY OWN SHADOW
WISH YOU COULD LOOK PAST MY SMILE
AND SEE THE HURT IN MY EYES
SEE MY EMOTIONAL BATTLE
Funny – I love to laugh, who doesn’t?
A kid at heart – Being an adult ALL THE TIME sucks
A little spontaneous – I’m a Capricorn, don’t freak me out
Extrovert – compliment me when I have my shy moments
Businessman – make it happen
Good with your finances – must have a budget
Have goals – always seeking growth
Knows how to wear a suit – and looks damn good in it
Honest – tell me anything, we’d bond
Loyal – No doubt
Motivator – able to push me when I’m feeling low
Open Minded – I can share my deepest thoughts with no worries
My rock – you hold me down
If you could create your next love, what would they be?
You speak so freely of this love
You have for me
Words creatively entwined
Letter to letter
I watch your lips move as you
Describe this “love”
Your eyes, as crystal
As the ocean
Yet here I stand amongst you
I wish I could mirror the harmonizing words
You so bravely speak to me
I am broken
I am damaged
I am unable to free this weight keeping me
As I lift my feet
This “love” I long to reciprocate
I am frozen
He grew to become a part of me. Now that he’s gone I feel as if I have lost half of me.
Instead of decaying my heart is expanding with even more love for
him now that he’s gone. Odd but now that he’s no longer mine I realize
how true my love for him is. Its great to be in love, but sad when the
feelings isn’t mutual. It hurts more that his love for me has died than him walking away out of my life. He walked out of my life but I have to work with him everyday. LOL, is all I can do sometimes. I laugh when nothing is funny and smile when I am on fire.
So I had this interesting conversation with Mr. Filler.
I’m not sure if I gave much background about Mr. Filler, but he’s my great friend. Honestly, he’s like my male best-friend, we’ve been friends for about 10yrs now (before Mr. Ex). We talk about any and everything. He’s had a grand guided tour of my dark, creepy, cold closet (or should I say closets) and he’s walked me through his. No judgments, no questions, we just talk and listen. We’ve always had great communication, I admire that about us. Well, Mr. Filler moved out from his ex the same year I did. So for a few months, with the fear of meeting new people, dating, or contacting a nasty STD we became each other’s “sexual filler”. Our first weekend together, was exciting. Mr. Filler drove four hours to see me, I can only imagine the thoughts going through his head at the time. Well, for me so many “what if” thoughts had my nerves shot. Our first night after having sex, we just laid together. With my legs wrapped around his, we talked for hours, even about our exes and it was ok. Even after sex, as he’d seen my naked body for the first time, I remained comfortable. Read the rest of this entry »