It’s been two years and I am still questioning love. Does it really exist between a man and a woman. Can you commit yourself fully to one person and not desire another? It’s been two years and that doubt still is in my heart . I’m unwilling to trust that word love when it rolls off the tongue of a man. A man that I have shared myself with in every way possible (physically, spiritually and emotionally). They say all men lie I don’t believe that. They just never tell the whole story. So technically they aren’t lying.They call it sparing our feelings. They feel if they tell us the truth we may fall apart. So why love me and have truths that can cause me to hate you. How do you love someone and tear them down. How is that love? I always ask myself why me? Why did he choose to fall in love with me? What is it that he loves? Why not her? Why me? I doubt love. I doubt honesty. I doubt commitment.
The aftermath stories have me kicking myself for every time I went back. Every time I crawled into his bed believing that maybe he would change his mind. When there was someone who was already on his mind. Someone who was there to give everything I thought I was giving. Even though he constantly reminded me that it was nothing. Deep down I knew it was something. I thought the LOVE would save us. Lol, their I go with that love thing. It didn’t exist. He was over me before I was gone. He had someone new before he made his decision. It made it so much easier to leave without a word or goodbye. I shed tears because I think how foolish of me. You allowed yet another one to fool you.
Why is it that the things you find out after the breakup is what tends to hurt the most? Knowing that the belief that there was truth to the situation diminishes. The light is no longer dim. My heart is pitch black. All the truth you thought was true, turned out to be a lie. Now your stuck trying to figure out was there really ever any truth at all. A question that will forever lie unanswered. It’s amazing how the word love has lost all value in my eyes. It’s been battered and abused to where hate more seems like the correct word to use to replace it. The aftermath stories allowed me to question if LOVE holds the right meaning. The aftermath stories has me questioning if TRUTH holds the right meaning. The truth was all lies and the love was hate in disguise. The Aftermath.
I met someone. He’s a great guy. He’s everything on my list and more, yet my past, I still hold on. I cannot let go of Mr. Ex. I’m angry at him for where I am placed, how can I move on? Mr. New is awesome. He treats me how I know I should be treated. Weeks in and he continues to show me my worth. Yet when I feel him trying to move closer, I push him away. I’ve thus pushed him away to a point where he is now hesitant to speak romantically to me, in fear I may run and retreat into my dark sad corner, my past. Why is letting go so hard? I’m now approaching 2yrs of being single. Sleeping around was fun and now that I’ve met someone serious, I freeze. I catch such anxiety to a point where my heart races, my palm sweats and I feel the walls collapsing upon me.
Maybe, I never took the time for me. But, I thought I did. I felt just fine. I thought I was over Mr. Ex. Wasn’t thinking of him, haven’t even spoke to him. Yet, Mr. New comes along and I’m afraid. My feelings for Mr. Ex are awoken again. Is this a defense mechanism? I am no therapist. I feel like I need therapy. I feel like I may never be ready for a relationship for I am deeply scarred. For whoever tries to get close I run the opposite direction, protection. But, is it truly protection? I keep using this excuse, but it’s just that, an excuse. Mr. New is amazing. He cooks, he cleans, he caters to my every need and he just asks that I grow emotionally with him as time progresses. Yet, I am afraid.
Why can’t I just let go of Mr. Ex and move on with my life? He was a jerk. He was an asshole. And here he is now in a relationship with the very woman he cheated on me with. Yet, I still hold on. I wake up day by day finding excuses not to give Mr. New more of me other than a night out at the movies, sex and a quiet escape before dawn breaks. I look at him when he’s sleeping and I want to cry. He deserves better, yet how can I give, when that very piece of me is missing?
“I miss you”, a text I received from a familiar number. I had deleted his information from my phone, but I knew who it was. I knew he was trying to be back into my life. I knew he would probably bring me in close and hurt my feelings once again. I knew he was trouble. Mmmm but trouble excites me, it arouses me as if I’m just about to reach that moment of eruption. That very moment when I cannot control the forces around me nor within me, but I smile in pain. I smile in pleasure.
This time I am ready. I am ready for war. I am ready for his games. His sex is good, but mine is better. This time, I’d make him want me more, make him beg for the softness of my lips. Make a tear fall from his brown eye. Then, just then, I’d get up, pull down my skirt and walk out. As I shut the door, whisper “miss this m*****f***er”.
Have you ever started writing a poem with a meaning in mind then as you go along realize the meaning of the poem has somehow transitioned to something else? And you’re reading it like how the hell did that happen?!?
I started writing about not being happy but trying to carry on as you are and wishing someone would notice and call you out. Somehow, along the way my poem turned into me having feelings for a friend (which I think I’m starting to like Mr. Filler) anyways now I’m stumped lol. Should I continue with what I started with or go along with what my mind is making me?! Ugh! and I don’t know why I’m catching feelings for Mr. Filler! We’ve been friends for soooo many years and now I want to all of a sudden start really liking him?!? How dare I?!
Here’s the beginning of my poem titled “Inside”….if you want to add a few lines, go ahead. Maybe you could help me with my direction lol. Happy Thursday loves!!
I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN THESE FEELINGS
BUT BEHIND MY SHYNESS
I DUCK BEHIND
MY OWN SHADOW
WISH YOU COULD LOOK PAST MY SMILE
AND SEE THE HURT IN MY EYES
SEE MY EMOTIONAL BATTLE
9:23 AM and I am up eating cookies for breakfast. Ah, this morning I feel good. These past few days I was feeling a little low, a little emotionally drained. Sometimes I get like that and have no absolute explanation for it. Sometimes, I just want to be by myself, to myself and shut down from the rest of the world. I consider taking a step back from this chaotic world rather healthy. Work, people, friends, lovers, can often times drain the hell out of you. As long as one is not “stuck” I guess, not going deep into this dark corner and creating a home there.
When I feel myself building a “home”, I try to wake myself up, pick myself up, maybe listen to some happy, upbeat tunes. I don’t know about you but when I’m feeling down, I find myself watching, reading, listening to depressing shit. I don’t know how the hell that happens. Anyways, so here I am this morning feeling rather fine. But I have no explanation for this feeling this morning either. I’m bobbing my head to Whitney Houston munching on some soft sweet cookies. Mmmmm the music, the cookies, I don’t know but today, I’m happy.